Man are sometimes prejudiced over things. I strive to be that logical mind not to slight my believes to the untruths.
Not always do I manage to do it.
I am emotional. Perhaps more emotional than most. Danger is, emotions doesn't always reflect reality. When that emotion crashes into the mind, the heart, you get the feeling of regret, of utter fear and perhaps even jealously and loneliness. Emotions that arise not by truths, but rather illusions and assumptions that we carry. Especially when one is always deciphering unsaid actions to the ones said when interacting.
Emotions surreal. The landscape of the mind warping what is to what I think.
On the other hand, there are the unwanted realities. The real part of me ugly and unhoped for. Some part of me that I wished I never had. Evil realities. Even the part of me that was my past, haunting the deep heart always throbbing from gangrene of the heart. Realities I never wanted to face, but simply give up.
In such a place, in such a moment what can be done?
Elijah had God speaking to him with a still, small voice. Maybe here it is the same? To listen to the still small voice telling me who I am? I do, even now, struggle on what is it I am to do although I know what I am doing God is there with me and guiding me. Where will this lead to? I cannot answer for myself.
It is by the strength of God I rise again, above the pains that was stabbed upon years ago. Pains that never left me, taking me when I face it again. A pain that is also my passion. Nothing lethal, only certain bitter regret, egoistic thoughts and going missing in the midst of the jungle of life.
To give up or not to give up? I have to hear Him to know what truly is this emotional roller coaster, what is it to see unwanted realities and facing them with the fist on their face.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Monday, 12 March 2012
Reverberation from an age gone past
To be honest, I am one lucky kid, away from all the heavy pressures not of my doing. Rather, things that I find as pains are most likely of my own doing than anything else.
Perhaps it is under such circumstances God gave me a heart that to be honest is not a particularly strong and impregnable. It feels, it is emotive and never settled. It feels the pain of others, and cannot sit tight when I see it.
Idiot I am, but again, is this a thorn that is exactly needed to always put me back in my place?
I have changed, from the victim of varying emotions threatening to swamp me, to me now learning to use it with a mind. To feel with an eye on God being the solution. It is not to mean that I should leave it alone, or give up doing concrete actions. God is a pragmatic God. He utilises people, even me to move mountains, to do what is right. The only difference, this time it is God, not me that moves me to do it.
With that in mind, perhaps it is a new phase in me, consolidation what I have always believed in, putting them into action with God's direction.
Why this question then? Bringing high school debaters to an arena so familiar. So familiar that had its share so bitter disappointment and wanton release of life to fate. Being back here, after nearly a year missing from debating, what do I see? A struggle. Struggling, hard pressed to take on my own failures and non-achievements while fervently trying to prevent my own struggles to present itself upon the next generation.
Where to and what's next? Only God knows.
Perhaps it is my life's melody, the tunes that is scripted upon the lines by itself, composed inadvertently whether I am concious of it or not. Perhaps it is this composer intruding upon the lives of others with my unique arrangements, hopefully allowing an unrestrained, magnificent song to bloom from such other individuals. I have no idea how, but perhaps, it is my niche to be that composer to impress upon others with what little I have.
I just let God do His job.
Perhaps it is under such circumstances God gave me a heart that to be honest is not a particularly strong and impregnable. It feels, it is emotive and never settled. It feels the pain of others, and cannot sit tight when I see it.
Idiot I am, but again, is this a thorn that is exactly needed to always put me back in my place?
I have changed, from the victim of varying emotions threatening to swamp me, to me now learning to use it with a mind. To feel with an eye on God being the solution. It is not to mean that I should leave it alone, or give up doing concrete actions. God is a pragmatic God. He utilises people, even me to move mountains, to do what is right. The only difference, this time it is God, not me that moves me to do it.
With that in mind, perhaps it is a new phase in me, consolidation what I have always believed in, putting them into action with God's direction.
Why this question then? Bringing high school debaters to an arena so familiar. So familiar that had its share so bitter disappointment and wanton release of life to fate. Being back here, after nearly a year missing from debating, what do I see? A struggle. Struggling, hard pressed to take on my own failures and non-achievements while fervently trying to prevent my own struggles to present itself upon the next generation.
Where to and what's next? Only God knows.
Perhaps it is my life's melody, the tunes that is scripted upon the lines by itself, composed inadvertently whether I am concious of it or not. Perhaps it is this composer intruding upon the lives of others with my unique arrangements, hopefully allowing an unrestrained, magnificent song to bloom from such other individuals. I have no idea how, but perhaps, it is my niche to be that composer to impress upon others with what little I have.
I just let God do His job.
Friday, 24 February 2012
Turns unexpected
Yes, returning to one of the places I really call home, it is somehow soothing to know that I am amongst friends. People that I ever know to care.
God pulled me back to Chong Hwa for a purpose. A reason which I have yet to fully comprehend. I have been into something, something that somehow fits all together, plus superbly invigorated when I have been grossly lacking of sleep.
I guess I live a cloistered life, all protected by the four walls of a family who keeps values alive. I am lucky, I know, I know I have never been into any tragedies that don't seem to not happen in many families.
But God put into my heart a heart of sensitivity. Call me overtly emotional, but it is this emotional heart that senses certain subtle pains people feel in their heart.
I am now tuning into a soul, few souls who have had troubles, whether big of small. It can be a tiny, foolish sounding incidents that made a person uptight and hurting. Or major complications that I too cannot find a solution. All in all, I believe it is the heart that goes out to others that matter. The heart who wants to listen to the tiny voices crying out for help, the heart who will be chafed by pain not of my own, but overwhelming flows of sufferings others face.
It covers my own selfish soul, rather it cleanses. Perhaps Solomon was right, it is better to be mourning than happy sometimes.
Unexpected turns all within the grace of God.
Pray that these turns will in turn change a person's life. To change a life.
God pulled me back to Chong Hwa for a purpose. A reason which I have yet to fully comprehend. I have been into something, something that somehow fits all together, plus superbly invigorated when I have been grossly lacking of sleep.
I guess I live a cloistered life, all protected by the four walls of a family who keeps values alive. I am lucky, I know, I know I have never been into any tragedies that don't seem to not happen in many families.
But God put into my heart a heart of sensitivity. Call me overtly emotional, but it is this emotional heart that senses certain subtle pains people feel in their heart.
I am now tuning into a soul, few souls who have had troubles, whether big of small. It can be a tiny, foolish sounding incidents that made a person uptight and hurting. Or major complications that I too cannot find a solution. All in all, I believe it is the heart that goes out to others that matter. The heart who wants to listen to the tiny voices crying out for help, the heart who will be chafed by pain not of my own, but overwhelming flows of sufferings others face.
It covers my own selfish soul, rather it cleanses. Perhaps Solomon was right, it is better to be mourning than happy sometimes.
Unexpected turns all within the grace of God.
Pray that these turns will in turn change a person's life. To change a life.
Monday, 20 February 2012
Not granting choice of death to those on the death row
Those who know why, just take this as an opinion.
Death penalty is a punishment indicted by the nation upon a person who has, in all case, have violated at the greatest degree of harm, that is, the taking of or the anticipation of the termination of another's life unlawfully and most importantly, deliberately. Why so harsh a punishment? That is a question many human rights activist ask. How can we return the dead victim to its original state? Prosecuting and terminating the aggressors life do seem nothing but a waste of life. Nothing is done.
Or is it?
Perhaps such a penalty has more to do not with living itself, but rather something less tangible. The throbbing souls of the human society perhaps has a much stronger value in itself, more than an individual life.
The right of choice.
Here we have it. The very reason why we want a person not to choose his nature of death, no matter how normal it is from hanging to electrocution, it is the very act of persecution of matter that cares, not the revenge upon those who violate the law. Persecution to deter, to educate, to ensure the whole stability of the society.
Killing a life, hence, does no good as it is said from the activist, it is another individual life that could have been put to good use.
What if, then, taking a life is more upon the taking away the right of choice? They chose to kill. They chose to take away the other person's choice to live forcefully without the person's concious consent. And the biggest problem upon this society, the root of crime is the fact of taking away the right of choice of another. I can choose to use the money I earn for a drink, but another robbed me of that choice by pickpocketing me. I can choose to live and earn a living for my family, but a murderer took away that choice that I could have made. This made the other person guilty of taking away the fundamental right of mankind: the choice of choosing what I feel is good, or what I want to do. Or inscribed in the Constitution of US, the right to pursuit happiness.
Tragically, the murderer will also take away the choice for happiness of the dead victim's family. Higher level of pain and suffering. To stop more of this from happening, death penalty is done.
As the law is used to deter, to warn, would it be not the best to push forward that taking away another's choice with your choice is a crime?
Here comes, then the idea of choosing the way to die. It is then contradictory from what we have seen. We, in order to keep the evil humanity from running havoc, takes away what a person wants most: Choice, which translate to freedom, and at the brink of according a punishment to deter future re-occurrence, gives him back what we took away from him as a form of a reminder to the public? Hence in all case, it is a contrarian idea to do so.
There is another problem here. He had a choice, to lets say distribute drugs to teenagers or not. He chose to do it, in the face of the reminder that he will be dead if caught. But why care? I can earn all the money in the world and then die, enjoying all I can with the money. What of the revenge murderings, to avenge certain wrongs done against the murderer in the past. He will die satisfied that he has avenged the wrong deed, in his own eyes. Giving him the choice of death is nothing but a chance to choose the best way to die a hero, at least to those like minded people. I dare not say it will cause more of these murders to occur, but in its lowest degree, it sounds more like a warrior dying for a "good" cause.
Is that what we want to portray to the society? A hero dying of gunshot, like the army of old. It warps the very sense of justice, the reason of justice, to use reason against the unreasonable taking away of choice of another. It is, yes, limited to the context of death sentence, but it is no different from giving a million dollar to a criminal to spend on freely, albeit this being a mental and emotional high.
Worse, guilt is given no credit. We want the person to suffer guilt over the deed. Dying so "peacefully" does nothing but leave him happy and contented, once again not an emotion you want to cover upon not just the dead body and grief of the relatives, and also the whole law and order system to deter people from willfully and happily taking away lives.
The gravity of taking choices becomes watered down and yes, nothing comes from it.
Then down to the consequences. Implementing such a ruling may give the idea of a compassionate country, but it just shows that it is not serious in safeguarding its citizens well being. Giving its criminals a happy death don't seem to make a nation firm on its stance to protect the choice of people. Mere ideas, even if they were assumptions is damaging, creating a habit of disregarding the emotional trauma and most importantly, lost of choice by the victim for the hyped compassionate death. The media will not let go, the hardliners will not let go and the pro-compassion activist will defend their stance. A change in status quo is good, but when it infringes upon a fundamental law even existed at the time of the Romans after years of war shows that it has withstood the rivers of time, proven all too correct.
Another is the portrayal of the choice of death. No doubt there will be those who see a morbid choice in this, there will be the people who feel they die for a cause. Imagine a smiling Al Qaeda being chopped off the head for the sake of a illustrious jihad. Nothing but a farcical and childish display of defiance, with the added advantage of choosing the way they die honourably, taunting those who died for their evilness, who were given no choice but to die at their hands for defying their perverted belief in Islam.
So what are we left with? There is far reaching consequences of giving choices. In the end, we have to be warned each day not to do those choices, but a granting of death penalty will, in the end, tell the world that death penalty now is really an insignificant case of killing some fella who thought he could get away with it.
Death penalty is a punishment indicted by the nation upon a person who has, in all case, have violated at the greatest degree of harm, that is, the taking of or the anticipation of the termination of another's life unlawfully and most importantly, deliberately. Why so harsh a punishment? That is a question many human rights activist ask. How can we return the dead victim to its original state? Prosecuting and terminating the aggressors life do seem nothing but a waste of life. Nothing is done.
Or is it?
Perhaps such a penalty has more to do not with living itself, but rather something less tangible. The throbbing souls of the human society perhaps has a much stronger value in itself, more than an individual life.
The right of choice.
Here we have it. The very reason why we want a person not to choose his nature of death, no matter how normal it is from hanging to electrocution, it is the very act of persecution of matter that cares, not the revenge upon those who violate the law. Persecution to deter, to educate, to ensure the whole stability of the society.
Killing a life, hence, does no good as it is said from the activist, it is another individual life that could have been put to good use.
What if, then, taking a life is more upon the taking away the right of choice? They chose to kill. They chose to take away the other person's choice to live forcefully without the person's concious consent. And the biggest problem upon this society, the root of crime is the fact of taking away the right of choice of another. I can choose to use the money I earn for a drink, but another robbed me of that choice by pickpocketing me. I can choose to live and earn a living for my family, but a murderer took away that choice that I could have made. This made the other person guilty of taking away the fundamental right of mankind: the choice of choosing what I feel is good, or what I want to do. Or inscribed in the Constitution of US, the right to pursuit happiness.
Tragically, the murderer will also take away the choice for happiness of the dead victim's family. Higher level of pain and suffering. To stop more of this from happening, death penalty is done.
As the law is used to deter, to warn, would it be not the best to push forward that taking away another's choice with your choice is a crime?
Here comes, then the idea of choosing the way to die. It is then contradictory from what we have seen. We, in order to keep the evil humanity from running havoc, takes away what a person wants most: Choice, which translate to freedom, and at the brink of according a punishment to deter future re-occurrence, gives him back what we took away from him as a form of a reminder to the public? Hence in all case, it is a contrarian idea to do so.
There is another problem here. He had a choice, to lets say distribute drugs to teenagers or not. He chose to do it, in the face of the reminder that he will be dead if caught. But why care? I can earn all the money in the world and then die, enjoying all I can with the money. What of the revenge murderings, to avenge certain wrongs done against the murderer in the past. He will die satisfied that he has avenged the wrong deed, in his own eyes. Giving him the choice of death is nothing but a chance to choose the best way to die a hero, at least to those like minded people. I dare not say it will cause more of these murders to occur, but in its lowest degree, it sounds more like a warrior dying for a "good" cause.
Is that what we want to portray to the society? A hero dying of gunshot, like the army of old. It warps the very sense of justice, the reason of justice, to use reason against the unreasonable taking away of choice of another. It is, yes, limited to the context of death sentence, but it is no different from giving a million dollar to a criminal to spend on freely, albeit this being a mental and emotional high.
Worse, guilt is given no credit. We want the person to suffer guilt over the deed. Dying so "peacefully" does nothing but leave him happy and contented, once again not an emotion you want to cover upon not just the dead body and grief of the relatives, and also the whole law and order system to deter people from willfully and happily taking away lives.
The gravity of taking choices becomes watered down and yes, nothing comes from it.
Then down to the consequences. Implementing such a ruling may give the idea of a compassionate country, but it just shows that it is not serious in safeguarding its citizens well being. Giving its criminals a happy death don't seem to make a nation firm on its stance to protect the choice of people. Mere ideas, even if they were assumptions is damaging, creating a habit of disregarding the emotional trauma and most importantly, lost of choice by the victim for the hyped compassionate death. The media will not let go, the hardliners will not let go and the pro-compassion activist will defend their stance. A change in status quo is good, but when it infringes upon a fundamental law even existed at the time of the Romans after years of war shows that it has withstood the rivers of time, proven all too correct.
Another is the portrayal of the choice of death. No doubt there will be those who see a morbid choice in this, there will be the people who feel they die for a cause. Imagine a smiling Al Qaeda being chopped off the head for the sake of a illustrious jihad. Nothing but a farcical and childish display of defiance, with the added advantage of choosing the way they die honourably, taunting those who died for their evilness, who were given no choice but to die at their hands for defying their perverted belief in Islam.
So what are we left with? There is far reaching consequences of giving choices. In the end, we have to be warned each day not to do those choices, but a granting of death penalty will, in the end, tell the world that death penalty now is really an insignificant case of killing some fella who thought he could get away with it.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Understanding and preparations
Humans are perhaps quite fickle. At one moment, one can be highly motivated, another languishing in utter despair. It is yet not cleanly divided over misfortunes and triumphs. Some may feel invigorated in failures, others cry of fear in unquestionable successes.
It is results season. Results that bring in a zillion of hopes, a trillion of dreams and an infinite reason to worry. Why? It is within our pretty rigid framework which somehow one try determines the future. It has it's benefits, but the daunting realisation that this is the one and only shot to a certain "desirable" future scares many. Those who did not achieve grades to reach for their dreams dread the future, uncertain as it is. Fear, hate and maybe a dose of bitterness. The other opposite are the overachievers who unscrupulously snatched the golden prize, holding high this certificate, albeit only one paper to blaze their overarching ambitions.
There are again, those who don't mind losing out. Maybe it was never their interest to do this course anyway. There are some who incidentally overachieve without intending to, now in another sorrow of regret and shock, the doors now wide open but desperate for a decision to match such an achievement.
To be honest, I've been there, done that and hate that. I dared to dream, but it never materialised. When I begin to let go of that dream, at least trying to convince myself of my incapability, well, the impossible happened. Intense emotions engulf me. Confusion and a dread of this untimely gift which I don't know, is a blessing or a disaster.
At least what I initially thought. Triumph and lost are two impostors. Is this glory? I don't think so. Do I deserve it? Perhaps not. What I do know is this: glory or not, the future is not in my hands. Unknowns abound. Will everything run as well? No idea.
That is me. I know a lot of us are all caught in the massive current of decisions, whether good results or otherwise. The porridge is ready, so it is how we spice it that matters, no matter how it initially is. Good stuff can come from cheap things too. I don't dare to say all is rosy, but perhaps a different path opens up when we let go. This too I have to learn. I might have just projected up, in a sense, to the level of the best, but remember, I didn't start of amazingly. I was, like you. In the end, this guy might end up working for you!
I have my concerns. Take a leap of faith and go Oxford no matter what? Or stand on the side of logic to plot a path? I asked God, and the answer was clear. This is not a matter of God will bring me there and I just trust. It is rather the training by God to plan and organise. I still do believe this miracle will continue, but I leave it to God. It is He, not I who got it.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Norwegian Runes
Norway. Snow covered fields on a blustery day. One has to admire the beauty of snow. Pure, soft and beautiful. Peaceful, undisturbed. Perhaps man have always come in search of such tranquillity?
Then perhaps a simple gesture of building a snowman. Set behind a frozen river with impossibly plump seagulls. A friendly wave with a smile on snow thick as the icing on your cake. Guess the word icing came from there?
Or a museum speaking of old stories, complete with the swords and sabres of the Viking.
And great heroes watch out to the sea before the fort.
As the night befalls snowing ever softly down the streets.
Journey, 23-26 Jan 2012
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
20
Age is the invention of men. Age, counted by the arbitrary units of the calendars created by men.
Nonetheless, age still defines milestones.
I am 20. The second day of my 20th year. It is a scary number to hear, stepping into the realm of the 20s. It is not just one year older. Rather, it is a marker, reminding the coming age I have come for.
The age of maturity, upheavals and action. The next ten years that defines the future.
Intimidating.
I changed, past two years brought me tears and joys. Sorrow and triumphs. Arriving at this point, has each of these emotions brought me closer to maturity? I thought not. I am, still, a guy fighting to come on terms with emotions. Come in terms of my strength and weaknesses. Come in terms of change and fortune. Come in terms of who I am and who I am not. Yes, it is a sad and brooding post, but I want to reflect. 19 years of life, cloistered I might say, what have I turned into? A spoiled child? Independent one? Or a blundering fool, or a wise intellectual? Only God can tell.
This year is that defining year. Perhaps the whole point is to step out of trying to determine me with the stereotype of self, but stepping out to let God reveal who I am to me, in His way and time.
I am single. I love being alone to think. I like talking, but never so much on random chatter. I am odd, but perhaps a lovable one. This is me, but only the skin-deep me. The real me is buried deep inside.
Some have glimpsed it. Some not ready to see it. Raw emotions hurts. I apologize for my inconsiderate heart, but this year i will take a step back. The past I took the initiative to find myself, digging deeper into the abyss. Now I search for God to find me.
I like what CS Lewis has to say. God is a jealous God. Jealous, signifying the want, the need to be loved. Yet if God is almighty, he doesn't need to be loved! He chose to yearn for human love, for He knows we need to be needed by somebody. God loved so we can love someone. I would go further. That fulfill such a need, I will too have to love God and all that He loves.
Nonetheless, age still defines milestones.
I am 20. The second day of my 20th year. It is a scary number to hear, stepping into the realm of the 20s. It is not just one year older. Rather, it is a marker, reminding the coming age I have come for.
The age of maturity, upheavals and action. The next ten years that defines the future.
Intimidating.
I changed, past two years brought me tears and joys. Sorrow and triumphs. Arriving at this point, has each of these emotions brought me closer to maturity? I thought not. I am, still, a guy fighting to come on terms with emotions. Come in terms of my strength and weaknesses. Come in terms of change and fortune. Come in terms of who I am and who I am not. Yes, it is a sad and brooding post, but I want to reflect. 19 years of life, cloistered I might say, what have I turned into? A spoiled child? Independent one? Or a blundering fool, or a wise intellectual? Only God can tell.
This year is that defining year. Perhaps the whole point is to step out of trying to determine me with the stereotype of self, but stepping out to let God reveal who I am to me, in His way and time.
I am single. I love being alone to think. I like talking, but never so much on random chatter. I am odd, but perhaps a lovable one. This is me, but only the skin-deep me. The real me is buried deep inside.
Some have glimpsed it. Some not ready to see it. Raw emotions hurts. I apologize for my inconsiderate heart, but this year i will take a step back. The past I took the initiative to find myself, digging deeper into the abyss. Now I search for God to find me.
I like what CS Lewis has to say. God is a jealous God. Jealous, signifying the want, the need to be loved. Yet if God is almighty, he doesn't need to be loved! He chose to yearn for human love, for He knows we need to be needed by somebody. God loved so we can love someone. I would go further. That fulfill such a need, I will too have to love God and all that He loves.
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