==wOrdS to Be sEen==

Understanding and preparations

2012-02-02T11:13:00.000+08:00

Humans are perhaps quite fickle. At one moment, one can be highly motivated, another languishing in utter despair. It is yet not cleanly divided over misfortunes and triumphs. Some may feel invigorated in failures, others cry of fear in unquestionable successes.

It is results season. Results that bring in a zillion of hopes, a trillion of dreams and an infinite reason to worry. Why? It is within our pretty rigid framework which somehow one try determines the future. It has it's benefits, but the daunting realisation that this is the one and only shot to a certain "desirable" future scares many. Those who did not achieve grades to reach for their dreams dread the future, uncertain as it is. Fear, hate and maybe a dose of bitterness. The other opposite are the overachievers who unscrupulously snatched the golden prize, holding high this certificate, albeit only one paper to blaze their overarching ambitions.

There are again, those who don't mind losing out. Maybe it was never their interest to do this course anyway. There are some who incidentally overachieve without intending to, now in another sorrow of regret and shock, the doors now wide open but desperate for a decision to match such an achievement.

To be honest, I've been there, done that and hate that. I dared to dream, but it never materialised. When I begin to let go of that dream, at least trying to convince myself of my incapability, well, the impossible happened. Intense emotions engulf me. Confusion and a dread of this untimely gift which I don't know, is a blessing or a disaster.

At least what I initially thought. Triumph and lost are two impostors. Is this glory? I don't think so. Do I deserve it? Perhaps not. What I do know is this: glory or not, the future is not in my hands. Unknowns abound. Will everything run as well? No idea.

That is me. I know a lot of us are all caught in the massive current of decisions, whether good results or otherwise. The porridge is ready, so it is how we spice it that matters, no matter how it initially is. Good stuff can come from cheap things too. I don't dare to say all is rosy, but perhaps a different path opens up when we let go. This too I have to learn. I might have just projected up, in a sense, to the level of the best, but remember, I didn't start of amazingly. I was, like you. In the end, this guy might end up working for you!

I have my concerns. Take a leap of faith and go Oxford no matter what? Or stand on the side of logic to plot a path? I asked God, and the answer was clear. This is not a matter of God will bring me there and I just trust. It is rather the training by God to plan and organise. I still do believe this miracle will continue, but I leave it to God. It is He, not I who got it.

Norwegian Runes

2012-01-31T17:51:00.003+08:00

Norway. Snow covered fields on a blustery day. One has to admire the beauty of snow. Pure, soft and beautiful. Peaceful, undisturbed. Perhaps man have always come in search of such tranquillity?

Then perhaps a simple gesture of building a snowman. Set behind a frozen river with impossibly plump seagulls. A friendly wave with a smile on snow thick as the icing on your cake. Guess the word icing came from there?

Or learn this bird. Standing on one leg, resting all the weight upon the earth. Or snow. Ah, peace I guess, to just stand in the midst of the cold?

So take a stroll down the streets. Feet on the ground to see a small city in the freezing winter.

Down the busy streets of Oslo, which, isn't quite as busy.

Down snow beaten paths, careful strides across the unseen.

Into an old university smacked right in the middle of town.

Or a museum speaking of old stories, complete with the swords and sabres of the Viking.

Into the palace of the king, simple on top of a hill.

Speaking to courtiers set in stone.

In front of the theather where he scots across the stage.

Into dainty small towns lit brightly at 4pm.

With the sound of flute eternally embossed within snowy hills.

And great heroes watch out to the sea before the fort.

As the night befalls snowing ever softly down the streets.

Sparkling snow brings the magic back home.

Journey, 23-26 Jan 2012

20

2012-01-17T09:32:00.001+08:00

Age is the invention of men. Age, counted by the arbitrary units of the calendars created by men.

Nonetheless, age still defines milestones.

I am 20. The second day of my 20th year. It is a scary number to hear, stepping into the realm of the 20s. It is not just one year older. Rather, it is a marker, reminding the coming age I have come for.

The age of maturity, upheavals and action. The next ten years that defines the future.

Intimidating.

I changed, past two years brought me tears and joys. Sorrow and triumphs. Arriving at this point, has each of these emotions brought me closer to maturity? I thought not. I am, still, a guy fighting to come on terms with emotions. Come in terms of my strength and weaknesses. Come in terms of change and fortune. Come in terms of who I am and who I am not. Yes, it is a sad and brooding post, but I want to reflect. 19 years of life, cloistered I might say, what have I turned into? A spoiled child? Independent one? Or a blundering fool, or a wise intellectual? Only God can tell.

This year is that defining year. Perhaps the whole point is to step out of trying to determine me with the stereotype of self, but stepping out to let God reveal who I am to me, in His way and time.

I am single. I love being alone to think. I like talking, but never so much on random chatter. I am odd, but perhaps a lovable one. This is me, but only the skin-deep me. The real me is buried deep inside.

Some have glimpsed it. Some not ready to see it. Raw emotions hurts. I apologize for my inconsiderate heart, but this year i will take a step back. The past I took the initiative to find myself, digging deeper into the abyss. Now I search for God to find me.

I like what CS Lewis has to say. God is a jealous God. Jealous, signifying the want, the need to be loved. Yet if God is almighty, he doesn't need to be loved! He chose to yearn for human love, for He knows we need to be needed by somebody. God loved so we can love someone. I would go further. That fulfill such a need, I will too have to love God and all that He loves.

New Phase

2012-01-12T18:02:00.001+08:00

I will be 20 in four days. Yes, 20, my final four days to enjoy the privilege of being a "kid".

20 sounds so horrifying. Thus start your 20th year of life, entering your 3rd decade of existence. You are supposed to be matured, confident and walking tall.

Or is it?

I find it intriguing. What is maturity? Is being street-wise maturity? Is being part of the flow of society maturity? Is getting out there and being part of the dance of humanity, throbbing with the multitudes of mankind, doing what everyone else is doing maturity?

I question that.

Am I immature? Others may think so, a guy full of ideals, pushing for what other think as naive, impractical thoughts. "Impractical" to the world. I want to serve the world because I want to love. To love and to serve, to heal and to help. It is a dream.

As I have discovered, the world will not stop in eating away this dream. In the course of a few months, bombardments of thoughts and looking around the world, this dream begin to tarnish. Careful, painstakingly trying to measure up with the world. What has happened to the dream? Oh, it was still there. Barely.

Yes, some dreams may have been duly labelled as impossible. Which ones? This is the question that lay unanswered. It does not mean all illogical sounding dream can never be met. I ate the lie and believed, stayed on the safe side.

Who then knows which step is next?

God. Faith in God will lead me. Even when the seas threaten to eat me. Alive.

Oxford, implications and isolations

2012-01-09T12:49:00.001+08:00

To be honest, that Oxford offer changed a lot of things. My plans, geared on the eventuality of not attain that lofty dream, now heads into the realm of disbelieve and ironically, more anxiety. My dreams are about to be fulfilled, what's next? The long process of preparation, what then?

nWhen you are reluctant to get out of the house, this is what happens. The mind wanders on the possibilities with unending solutions.

Which is why I can't wait for CNY. For a very much different reason. At least there is a finality.

Now I have a tag, the guy who got into Oxford. I still don't believe that as much as the truth is laid in front of me. I sincerely thank everyone who congratulated me, but the mind here still needs to adjust to the gravity of this offer. God is good, very good to me. Yet the question again, what's next?

As I look around and feel as if I have been complacent upon myself for weeks, bored in a way, I find a reality I dare not to face. I will have more interviews, perhaps tougher than thought. I will have to shape arguments for myself, defending why I am going to do what I want to do, and why I should get that support to do it. Times like these can trouble my mind. Arguments always have their rebuttals, and rebuttals will make you question, is this the life I want to live as?

Eternal debates, and I think I just hope for one thing. Just get on with it and pray hard I survive till September.

Pause

2012-01-06T12:51:00.003+08:00

Yes, I have moulded at home for nearly a month, excluding the days to prepare for the interview. One month, loads of time to do nothing. Which I actually did.

Silence and isolation (at least self-imposed) has its benefits I guess. The longer you go, the more you get bored, the more you realise life as it is. A time where no external voices interrupt the mind. With restless peace, but peace anyway, I see a different world, see a different me and a me that survived this 2 years.

It is time to get into the world. Time to plan and plot my next 9 months while striving to attain a dream so tantalizingly close, yet frustratingly far. It has to make dreams.

Pause from what?

Pause from dormancy and silence. Time to start the engine.

Oxford

2011-12-22T19:37:00.001+08:00

Yes, it is a conditional from Oxford. Yes, it is Oxford.

But is it a yes or no if I will step into that place?

I don't know.

Is it that I cannot handle such high stress? No, I've been under worse. Is it I don't feel like going? Well, it is the best place to study in a way, why reject?

No, it is more than that. It is reality. I don't mind not going, rejecting it. If its God's will that it be so, let it be.

Tick Tock

2011-12-11T18:48:00.001+08:00

One month and 5 days to me being 20.

Yes, 20.

Without a doubt, another cross-road of life appears, albeit reluctantly. Many things happened, happened with no one knowing. Or at least said, it happened in the recesses of my mind. I don't intend to share that.

Or maybe a glimpse.

I saw the difference between knowing someone inside out and reaching out to them. The former is not a stupendously tough job for me. For all its said, I never had a problem dissecting minds. Yet sending out those tendrils of connection to the minds of another is altogether another knowledge. It can either bruise one badly, a tentacle slammed by the iron gates of the mind, or tentacles wrapped all over the thoughts, wrangling and suffocating the other. Mantaining balance is one of utmost heroism. Only those who done it know. Honestly, I can't. I am, as some people has said, the encyclopedia. The book that others read, and extract the details to their comfort.

I saw too the danger of illusions. Illusions of gaining strength, illusions of claiming glory. Illusions of obtaining total freedom from the shackles of fear, illusions of a non-existant friendship, or deeper. Illusions upon illusions intoxicate the soul. Drives the mind to leech on the unreal lives of its willfull owner. Reality turns tragedy, visions and life blurs into a mass of confusing, throbbing emotion of wants and needs. Too dangerous that sinking into it can literally eat a person alive.

I saw another threat. The forces of discouragement. A coagulation of jealousy, lust, cravings, megalomaniacal dreams for power accompanied by the distorted view of failure. The defeat of the past, the dizzying change in fortunes, the triumph of the present and the desperate hope for the future. This 4 components can create a man frozen. Frozen in his constant anxiety, frozen in the so called unchangeable past, frozen in the urge to retain what is attained, frozen in his pursue of a very unknown future. In short, a hardened man discouraged by past defeats, discouraged by indefensible, virtually imagined present and suspicious of success in the future.

This 3 glimpse made me see the truth of the me I have been.

A silent guard in me once cried for attention. Ignored, it stayed silent. Only when silence prevailed, I noticed the guard. Silently I nod my head. Yes, it is time to be silent.

Maybe. Maybe it is time to close the door of my mind, silently review this restless me. Maybe it is time to pull up and buck up, let God work its wonders, closed doors, without distraction.

The biggest questions, have I hurt people in the process? Yes. What can I do? Nothing. This is the worst part, me who vowed never to consciously hurt a person, consciously needing to let go, not to mend the hurt that I created.

I hate to let go like this. Guess this might be the path. Those who know, let them hear.

Facing life

2011-11-28T14:58:00.001+08:00

I would have envisaged triumph, but it all turned out to a castle in the air. Where one resolved to trudge on regardless, one fears the past done will leave the future undone. The fear of a triumph evolving into a regret and remorse.

Maybe you can say I am good, nothing will go wrong. Yet I don't believe in those words. How many times I come out confident that all turned into tragedy? How many times I find hope and finally peer into the abyss, at least my personal hell?

Solomon said it right. All this is meaningless. The constant dabbling in that waterhole of pride, of the future. Nothing comes out right, but all comes out just nice. Accomplishing everything, reaching nothing. Winning nothing, yet receiving everything.

Irony. Maybe dwelling on thoughts of potential failures is just an invention of a free will distorted.

Finally there goes my A Levels. A tribute and a reminiscence

2011-11-18T19:39:00.001+08:00

There goes my 1 and a half years. Many things, whether good or bad has happened. Happened, but will never forget.

God is good. He has placed me among people that I need to meet, classes that I needed to attend, and lecturers that I need to see.

Sure, I may have regrets. Regrets over broken promises, regrets over chances missed and regrets over friendship not extended.

Regrets that I'd love to be given a second chance, but again, maybe it's better like this.

To be honest, this short period of time was not the one that I've envisioned. I came in planning to be a people's servant, knowing everyone and being happy and joyful, a memory of youth and some wildness. Of jamming over people's house, of being together with friends.

It did not turn out that way. Rather than opening up, I clamped down. Rather than flying sky high, I turn inwards. More like a nerd in a sense. Maybe I am, but I see more to it. It is these two years that lent me time to review life, to see what have I done and what should I do from now on. On my own flaws and fallacies, only to be seen when one is given time and insurmountable chances to mend it. A change that only happens when one is not busy with friends or studies. Truly a quiet time.

So have I not made friends here? It would be ridiculous to say so. These friends, although may not always be of the same wavelength, may not be a powerful band of friends, may not always join them in their fun time, are friends whom I call passionate. People who have fun for the sake of fun, something the Chong Hwa me cannot fully comprehend. It is a breakthrough possibly that finally it is not the results that matter, but the people I meet that does. Forgive me if I'm a overtly serious person, believe me, I too want to enjoy with everyone, but the cold me does not allow. Maybe it is a beginning.

Of my lecturers, I am blessed to be here. They are and will always be the hardworking, honest people I know. Those who really care. How can I not thank them? It is the sincerity to improve us that I forever be thankful of. Dedication that probably I don't have, but hope will have.

Of course, my dear debate team. I may have built this team, but I will always remember, I am only the initiator. Without all of you, none of what we have done would have happened. I'm thankful that they tolerated my conservative mindset and cautiousness, my sometimes incompetence. Most importantly, giving me hope that, yes, change can happen in the face of adversity. And the marvellous debate rounds, finally able to really gauge myself, and one most important lesson, to enjoy debates.

It is the end of road here, but a beginning of the next. Will I miss this place? Yes. Will I miss all the people? Yes I will. Facebook is there, but nothing, yes nothing, beats seeing them face to face and say hi. I will remember all of you. It is not a passionate goodbye, but a farewell with a calm contented smile that says, I'm grateful to have met you. Will we meet again? Why not. Things work out strangely when one is at a brink of change.

All in all, it was a good 1.5 years.

I wish to go on a trip with all of you. Never did that properly before, except once.

In the passing

2011-11-16T19:33:00.001+08:00

Two more days to the final of this lap. What will happen, how will it turn up? Will my results resonate with excellence, or grovel in sheer disgrace?

I don't know. Have I done a good job? Too many close calls to call it excellent.

Coming to think of it, I have had many close calls. Numerous, whether struggling in the midst of an important examination, or fending off tiredness and fatigue before exams. It is this never ending cycle that horrified and, honestly, bores me. All over again.

How did these close calls come? Admittedly, some of it are of my own invention, creating more anxiety whether tangibly or indirectly on myself. A certain few my flaws, not focusing as much as much as I'm supposed too. Even more are what the environment forced upon me, nothing that I can do about.

Why do I have to suffer from that indignity? It is a question that I ask myself daily. Why after so many bouts, so many hard won battles and a collage of defeats, i am still continually in this fluctuating state of fate? Maybe it is my own doing, not having the will to stand strong. Maybe it is my own indiscretion, being too loose on exacting discipline on myself. I've tried and tried, still, defeat tastes bad in the mouth.

So I turn back and peer into each time. Is there a significance for me to be like this all the time?

I'm not surprised that it does. God is simply too good for me.

Every event I've faced, every experience encountered always seem to mirror a use in the future. Not just any random tinkering, but a continuos flow of assistance, in my means with my expertise. Somehow, those past experiences just coincide with what people need to hear.

You may say, thats because we are all going through the same things at the same time, what I have is just what everyone I experiencing. I agree, some might just look like a random gamble. Yet I always believe, God never randomly kick a person to us. It is an intricate system, a subtle power working underneath. For that matter, each person is unique, so whoever appear in my life is appointed to be there, a unique, one of a kind individual that is there for a reason, not there just for the sake of it.

I want to call myself a watchman. I watch around, looking ahead and deciphering the past. Using God's direction to go out to the world. My experiences are ways that he guides me to feel and understand, for the use in the future. It may be mundane, usual and ordinary, but again, most of us are just the average guy or girl out here! Who knows, it is such everyday life situation that finally appeals to all? It is more practical, for we experienced it, rather than the rise from the destitute poor, as good as it is.

Or it is just for me to notice details of each day, that I can help others to see it too.

Persistence

2011-11-01T00:02:00.001+08:00

NOTE: This is an SAT essay practice. I don't know would it sound fine.

Thomas Edison once noted that genius is 1 percent inspiration, 99 percent perspiration. Being a genius recognised by the world, praised as one of the most successful inventors, he never once thought that it is his inherent talent that put him high in the list of the most admired people in the world, never admitted that he is any abnormal genius, nor had a superb, jaw-dropping education either. He is, though, not the only example, thus I have to say, persistence, not any of the natural born characteristics that brings success into life.

Persistence is the stubborn drive to complete a certain action, be it research or inventing. It always drives on, never gives itself a rest, always on the run to complete a design, to discover new technology or unearth the things yet unknown to man. Persistent people unduly endure the tedious work of discovery, unflinching to the ridicule of the sceptical society and undaunted by the sceptre of failure. More importantly, it never gives up, even when our innate abilities seem to play us out of the game in favour of better specimens. Ironically, it was the people tagged as hopeless, ordinary that claim a berth of fame on this earth, simply by being persistent.

Talented people without diligence brings in nothing. Newton was thought to be a retarded child with no inherent talent, but became the most important scientist of all after years of tough observation and deep thoughts, contrasting the many child talents that ultimately sink into oblivion. A genius amounts to a wasted mind if he is not using it constantly and persistently. Einstein had dyslexia, but actively thinking each day with his thought experiment. Out child prodigies of this day has yet produced much effect, some even resorting to prostitution for a living. Education without a resolute heart to work hard amounts to nothing, looking at the sad fact of the multitude of unemployed graduates who simply go for the easy jobs but refusing others for the fear of the hard work demanded from them. Edison himself never even had a proper education, but with that undaunted mind he made himself a legend.

With so many examples of our present day, who can dare to say that our given abilities define ones life? Without persistent, none of it amounts to anything. Even if we are just ordinary citizens from ordinary families, with the willingness to drive on without doubting, in no time, we will see for ourself, indeed, hard work does bring us success.

Midnight random post

2011-10-27T00:23:00.001+08:00

As the clock is ticking violently (imagining it popping out now), I believe, the time has come to take up the challenge.

A2, here I come!

Where is our civility?

2011-10-21T21:14:00.001+08:00

This is a letter to unthinking people who think slandering others is something good.

There is a war on Wikipedia. Profile of Najib in Chinese. It went under a total "revamp" that spun the whole page into a page where hooligans and immoral, impolite, brash and uncouth Chinese (I'm ashamed to say, yes) tried to be funny. It was not just controversial information, rather blatant slander, turning it into their personal blog.

I'm appalled. We malaysians are known to be sensible people. We aren't mobbing indonesian claiming land grabbed by Malaysian. We aren't cold unfeeling chinamen who left a poor girl to her death. Yet here, we are fooling around a professional website striving to accord the goodwill of man for a gigantic encyclopaedia.

We betrayed that trust. Trust is something so valuable. It comes to a wise person who is perfectly logical and civilised. We don't trust a buffoon, because he doesnt make sense. So how can people trust us anymore when we can't even look things sensibly?

This malaise is not simply a one time thing. It is cancerous. Do we like when people slander about us? Even if it were true, we would feel that initial anger! So are we according something that dislike ourselves upon others? That makes us entitled to be treated unfairly. If we entitle ourselves to play the rules of the jungle, slandering others as if their name holds no value, don't complain when you do not get what you think you should. If your name was treated like shit because of false accusations, don't defend but embrace yourself. That is only right. Or else, you are simply just another hypocrite.

Finally, yes. Whatever said there seems to imply one thing: there are no avenues to complain that it has to be taken to the "court" called the Internet encyclopaedia. While it is disrespectful to all the well meaning people, it is also conceding our rights in Malaysia. We are saying, our votes don't matter. We are saying, we cannot even have a say in this forsaken country. Even if it were forsaken, then fight for your rights! This sneaky way to complaining simply just shows we do not have the legitimate right to even stand in this country. Get out then!

I've always held this believe, those who feel offended are always those who offend others the most. To my say, these people aren't worth for me to talk to. I'd just offend them. Even if Malaysia is that bad, we complaining like this shows we are worse off. Who would believe if Lucius Malfoy complains to Dumbledore that Lord Voldermort is mistreating him? I'd say: " dai sei " it's your own fault.

I hope Malaysia can be a thinking nation, not a bunch of misfiring "intellects".

Hearts and minds

2011-10-20T09:33:00.001+08:00

In the midst of my exam fever, university applications and a host of "edge of my seat" moments, distractions and time consuming activities seem to pop up in unexpected times. It's a pain, taking time away again and again. Sometimes it's my own doing, trying to escape this time of life. Sometimes it is an uncontrollable urge, feeling guilty after that.

But one thing I will never back down. Helping anyone who needs help.

Our world is appalling. We agree to that, the whole idea of wars destroying lives, criminals slitting throats. Yet have we ever wondered we too play a part in this disturbing phenomenon? The news about a little girl in China, rolled over by unfeeling drivers, abandoned by unconcerned adults. What has happened to their conscience? What happened to that 4000 years of history of Chinese civilization? As a chinese who had the privilege to learn the ways of my ancestors, it's a shame to concede that we laid waste the great teachings that our forefathers have set down. Confucius would have cringed if he were to see this. Maybe a sigh, knowing that humans never really changed.

Coming back to us, I wonder, what if we were on that street, at that moment, when that little girl was in dire pain and hopelessness. Will we lend a hand? Will we walk up and rush her to the hospital? Or will we act as if we never saw it, avoiding it for our ever " fruitful " enterprise of earning more money? To be honest, we may just choose the latter. It is always that notion, there is always someone else to help her.

Digging deeper into the so called modern mentality, I don't think it is imperative that we focus on the modern context itself. Look into history and you will find all so familiar cases, from infanticide to honour killings, it is a bloody world that we live in. The cold and indifferent world. Paralleling into the our age of wealth and supreme comfort, the same ogre presents itself: shouldnt we be learning the antiquarian yet eternal lessons they have learnt the hard way?

Probably God is right. Humans never change, always sinful.

We may never change, but it does not mean we keep to the unchanging nature of humans. The wise knew this. God knew this. Why was the analects of Confucius, the 论语 ever written? Or the Bible itself? All these are a reminder, to prompt us when we are to decide on every move, every thoughts of our lives. They realised, even in their time, that humans cannot change the evil self, thus there is a need for a record, something to keep the generations to come not to deviate from the true path into the despicable path of shame. The records to tell us, be good for the sake of being good, and the reasons to do so. It is logical, powerful and fully doable.

We forsaken them.

It is not because they don't make sense, but it is us who don't. It is a blatant lie to call all these esteemed literature as an oppression. Rather it is us in out unholy indignation that we stubbornly refuse to admit all that is said is needed to be done. It is in our blinding pride that we call all that antiquity and prefer to look into " modern " life, an empty illusion that we are any better.

This is not a cry to defend our heritage. This is a cry to awaken people, have a heart for others. The core of wisdom deals with living life meaningful, and it is exactly this that is expounded in the books. Do it, and we will have a world galvanised, at least when tragedy strikes, we were there.

Sense. The final chapter. Prelude.

2011-10-03T23:02:00.001+08:00

I read, I thought and I understood.

Such is the power of the Word of God. It is never a no-no book, a book of nonsensical lore and illogical mantras. Never a stuffy and binding repetitive speech.

But a living, breathing and thinking Word.

God made sense. He made humans with brains to think. Millennias of mankind did just that and what we have now, the knowledge and that common sense is ingrained in the minds of man.

Yet there is a limit. The limit in wisdom, of human's viewpoint. Although we have not reached the limit, we can see the limit as we can see the sky as the limit. And yet we too know there is something more than the sky that we see.

Outer space.

Similarly sense and sensibility also has that outer space.

God's sense. The thoughts and ideas that God has. Where He will give us willingly if we willingly follow Him.

That is the lesson.

Live with life, or live with irony?

2011-09-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

Life is ever so wonderful and sorrowful. Life sometimes unbearable and uncontainable.Here I am, back where I always write about.

So how is my life after rambling for at least 3 years of living? Am I any different from the man I used to be?Or is this question relevant at all?

Reading through the gospel of John, I see a life that seems so ordinary and yet so miraculous. Jesus lived a life that is no different than ours. Eats, sleep, celebrate. There is nothing so incredible. Other than the occasional miracles, nothing is so odd of him being a teacher, teaching man what is the truth about life. Not scientific truths, but truth of how man should live. Ordinary.

Yet when I looked at the reaction of those opposing him, I find a disturbing, rather shameful trend. From the ones who are not ordinary and we who feel we are.

Jesus did what should be done. It was not particularly a 'holy' showoff, but just a life that we could have lived. Yet we reject him with our reasons failing to see that our objections may be the illogical one indeed. He said, we are slaves to sin. We come out with many excuses to justify this, saying we are free to sin, and free not too. Sin will never control us. If so, where comes drug addiction, gambling addiction and fame addiction? Sometimes, it is the most ordinary, common sensical things that convicts the so called civilized heart. Sometimes, we just ignore our sensibility and go all out to create clauses to defy that sense. Sometimes, those clauses are easily ripped apart to see it's shallowness, indeed its rotten core.

We say, I hate another person for backstabbing me. But when I gossip behind him about that backstabbing, or even stab him behind again, well, it's revenge and fully justifiable. When we turn back and look, aren't we doing exactly what he has done? In other words, shouldn't we hate ourselves?Most don't. That is the irony of man. No excuse for others to offend, but we offend for all the right reason. I once read that those who always feel offended are the ones who willfully offend others the most, a heart that knows it's own sin will hate the same sin done by others.

How should we live?The answer, I should think, we all know in our hearts. Only the action and will to do it.

Dealing with sense. Or insanity.

2011-09-22T00:41:00.000+08:00

It is really a choice. At this point of life where I have to choose between being a dreamer and running mediocre, I can be a hypocrite. One hour I can be totally pumped up to pursue that goal, albeit the various hassles that I have to run into, or I sit there and relax to watch on my usual life.

A more subtle difference?

The edge of sanity and insanity.

Its all so coincidental, that I can be thinking of why things needs to make sense and keeping myself sane. Maybe it is there as a result to running near the brink of insanity that I realise why sanity and how sanity is kept. Some may laugh at me, why trouble yourself in all that dreams? Why make life so hard be applying universities here and there, with realistically low rate of intake that may end up nothing at all?

I question myself too.

I put that similar to what I've been doing. Why did I trouble myself to be the ever-present responsibility taker? Why start something that no one did before?

I had a freaking hard determination, always stubborn to that goal. Which translate to insanity at times.

This is not much different, only one thing that makes this a huge leap. I'm learning to take insanity out of its niche, out of its position in my mind. I want God to be that sanity, not to run hard and dry on the rough roads without tyres, only cold hard wheels.

A choice maybe, a road less taken. Hopefully a road well taken.

Getting into sense.

2011-09-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

It is interesting.

How do we get this common sense? Is it by our parents? Or by society? Or even by God? How nearly everything that we can explain runs on this line of common sense. A common sense so common that we actually don't know where is it based from. Some may argue as certain theory behind humanity. Some argue about the traditions that defines this common sense.

Still, during the rise of our individual civilisations, how did it become so common across the world?

Analysing the Bible, it did bring in some interesting thoughts. God is the basis of the truth, and the truth sets us free. What of common sense? The very repulsion of man to killing another being, especially their own children. The hatred against swindlers and unfairness, even when it has nothing to do with us. Why not God be the truth behind this common sense? Why not the Creator who created this common sense?

Maybe some people don't believe in this. Of course I can't force everyone to agree either. But it is intriguing as I look into this journey. How common sense can actually be learnt.

The first path? Acknowledging a self that is inadequate, and a truth is out there. Common sense prevails when one acknowledges the reality of the world, the truth about self. We are part of a giant movement of mankind, small but significant, everyone playing its part. How would then each play its part? Common sense. When all have that sense that each is not everything, and that there is a certain truth out there which is just and right, we have this common sense to be one with all.

Now we look into our modern world context. Common sense should have prevailed, but mankind is usually screwed up. When common sense breaks down, which does occur, a society degenerates to a free-for-all state. When no one continues to realise the bigger world and focuses on self, common sense becomes 'self' sense and most likely won't live properly in the real world.

How to lose common sense? I guess our biggest challenge is the existance of the artificial world, aka internet virtual world. A virtual world that we cannot directly gauge who are we dealing with, hiding behind a shell and create a false image that is even impenetrable than a face to face chat. We no longer see truth, but only a glimpse of the truth with all lies jumbled in a havoc filled world.

I guess when no one sees each other, common sense fades.

Be in the world and not lose common sense. Stay real, a commitment in the virtual world that we won't lose the soul to the virtual, false me.

Societies that lose its grip on common sense usually end up in the books of history. The Romans had it coming. The Khmer had it coming. All lost sense at some point. Some turned back before its too late. Some never came back from antiquity.

Once again, common sense.

Common Sense

2011-09-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

What have I been doing for the past two weeks?
Dwelling in the company of books. Notes. Exam papers.

Yet at times I feel pushed. As if what I've studied doesn't make the mark, that I am chasing shadows of some weird dream. Sometimes I don't even feel worth dreaming any bigger for I can't even reach the shadow of what I feel should be the "mark". Chasing the shadows of the shadows of academic excellence. And a chance to dream into the wonderful world of top universities.

That is when the dream becomes a nightmare.

God is good. At this time of wayward thoughts and unexplainable anxieties, a light shone upon this uncertain path, in an unlikely place and an unlikely time. A chat in the library, an unexpected choice of phrase woke me from this reverie.

Common sense.

God is a God of common sense. Looking into the lives of the men and women under His call, many a times what they do are really common sense. God calling them to do what logic would have agreed upon. Jesus walking and teaching common sense, on how to live and how not to live. Life so usual, yet packed with wisdom with an earthy smell.

This led me to wonder, maybe the lofty ideas of deep and unreachable theories of mankind aren't that complicated anyway. Maybe everything makes sense, through a very simple and common idea called common sense.

It is us people that always lose that sense. It is people that created the nightmare of insensibility. With that comes the myriad of theories trying to answer the great "mystery" when it is simply obscured by our distorted vision of life and living.

I need sense. Common sense to live. God did not create a life so outlandish that we should be hermits in the mountains. God created life as life itself, and live with common sense that he has provided. Common sense so simple, but so profound.

Time for that sense to break free of the mold of my insensibility. A dream may be big, but common sense tells me, I have nothing to lose, at least nothing so great. Anything can happen, but it may not mean it will happen.

Common sense.

Communists and heroes

2011-09-05T21:24:00.000+08:00

Let me be frank here, I view history not as what the mainstream says it is. I view it analytically, no particular calls of absolute evils and goodness, but only misguided and guided.

I don't believe in heroes, nor villains.

The recent outburst over the status of the Bukit Kepong policemen, were they heroes? Or simply nothing but a bunch of British officers worthy to be shot down, traitors of the independent Malaya?

Neither.

All of them were caught in the torrent of history. The coincidence of the Communist uprising for a free Malaysia against the local policeman who simply wanted peace and tranquility to rule the nation. Two similar ideology, two honest, heartfelt quest to kick off the shackles of evil and oppression.

Why then should one be vilified while the other praised and worshipped? History is written by the victors. If it were written by the communist, what would it have sounded like?

History, then, was never a neutral subject. It is always subjected to prejudices, like it or not. If we were to research into history, the mind would have to be objective, taking each event as a continuation of another, causing this calamity to occur.

Even our current grievances can be understood that way. Of course the families of those who had died are upset. How can they call the murderers heroes? Yet this is a slippery slope, a contradiction. A pro-Gaddafi soldier. Would his family not be angry at the "righteous" rebel for killing him? Are their grievances off less value then of a family from the pro-rebel side? The guys from the Gaddafi side would call his son the hero anyway! I'd hardly say they have different levels of sadness and anger. Sadness and anger, then cannot be the gauge of who is the heroes or not.

Can we, then, see the communist as heroes? As much as they have the pure, even commendable idea of freeing a nation, what they have done is using force against force, using violence for violence. Will that be condoned when it is against the very people they swore to protect? I'd say no. Even within its ranks there are bloodthirsty people who took up arms for something more sinister then thought.

Yet this cannot justify them as pure evil beasts. Rather mislead in the path they took for freedom. Many young, patriotic man joined them. Not for some evil intention, but for an aim twisted, still an aim by naive young people who thought they were serving man.

Can we blame the families for overreacting? No. Should we praise the communist being patriotic and heroic? Not that too. Contradiction defined this issue.

What is the best way out? Tolerance. Not tolerance to the evil done, but tolerance and understanding to what each side views on. Analyse it neutrally, at least try, then the truth will set us, literally, free.

Past Glories

2011-08-26T23:31:00.002+08:00

Such a quaint name. Glories that are still glories, but faded through the flow of time. Glories which were once the pride, but now all but a faint shadow of the "I was".

As I ponder upon all that glory, I realised my folly.

That of comparing the past me to the present.

Glories peppered my first part of schooling. Numerous champions, the star representative of the school, the brilliant student and the hope of the future. Nearly all my trophies and best records came from this era. Technically they fill more then half of my file and shelves. From singing (yes, singing) to General Knowledge (my love till now), it was so great. Greatness exuding into all angle, or that is to the small me.

Secondary school I was swamped in to gigantic school with all the brilliant people. The shine begin to wear off. I was outmatched, outsmarted at everything. Results wasn't anywhere my coveted champion. My supposed 'talent' in public speaking came to nought when facing the best orators. Nothing went right, everything went wrong. Oh yes, each year I vowed, damn, I'm gonna reclaim the glory that was mine. Yeah, come out to nothing. For my first 3 years, it was that torture. Drew me to God for that reason, that my soul cannot take that humbling, that I cannot believe I'm nothing. Maybe God was right, I AM nothing.

I gave up in Form 4. Or so I thought. Since being the champion is nothing but a unachievable dream, why not try something else? Oh yes, tried shining in the society, tried my hand in entering debate, tried for being the school representative for general knowledge.

Until I collapsed. No where near an award for debate, and for debate rejected the offer to represent the school in general knowledge, my forte. For what reasons? Pride on the past, that I was a brilliant orator. Nothing came out of it, four years now. If it were the me then who is in my shoes now, probably I'd quit long ago.

Tried my hand in working hard for the society. Never went any higher then a committee, and a freak misunderstanding wrecked the potential to go any higher either. Bad news for me.

My summary of that 2 years came in Form 5. Finally, I have to admit, I'm not any better then anyone. The only difference is each one of us have their own talent, where they are good in, even if there are no formal recognition anywhere. I had to accept that God really did teach me a lesson. 5 years of disappointment, so many close shaves that could have propelled me to greater heights but denied.

Was it bad choices? No, I think it is planned choices. Planned by God.

I'm still struggling. As much as the lesson is learnt, the scars still remain. Envy arises from time to time while trying to comprehend what happened and will it happen again. Imaginations about the 'what if's' do catch me unawares. Sometimes pride creep in, a win to recapture that glorious past.

This is the pit I'm most vulnerable to. Being the best in the eyes of the world can be a doom for me. I don't want to see myself as brilliant, I don't want to label myself as intelligent, I don't want to be particularly proud of my results now. If the heart doesn't do what is right, then there is no point in winning anything. Good results not for glory, but for a better education. Losing debate competitions would probably be that I'm not meant to be a brilliant orator but just training my mind to think.

Yes, doing what is right in the eyes of God. He would want me to go full-heartedly, even if nothing tangible is sourced from there. All because it is good and right.

I guess this the one most crucial lesson that I learnt, and that led me to God.

If I were to look back and now, most would have thought I'm the 小时了了,大未必佳 category.
You have no idea.

Being discouraged, but that is the way God reached to me.

Here we go again.

2011-08-22T23:33:00.004+08:00

It's rare for me to be up so late these days. Age is catching up with me?

Maybe.

It is incredible to actually realised that I've arrived at the crossroads of life. Another large roundabout to drive anywhere. The only difference? This time its where the roads diverge far into the horizon without knowing its end. It may sound like a finality, but truly, time is running hard.

Oddly though, this arrival to this terminal of life wasn't really a bang. It rather sounded more like a cat creeping up on a mouse. Soundless and stealthy, ready to spring upon those who are not prepared. Whether or not one is in season or simply deflated, time is ruthlessly creeping on you.

Question is, are we ready? Am I on the wheels now? Have I got what it takes?

No way anyone can scoot away from this decision, nor can we lay undecided at the brink of embarking on the flight to the future.

While this may not be the finality, but it is a gigantic hurdle that we can either stoop entering, or jump higher.

Yes, jump.

Rallies, protests and Bersih.

2011-08-13T13:45:00.002+08:00

It's such a coincidence that our worlds collide. Bersih in Malaysia, worker protests in China, mobs and gangs and UK, and the shocking shoot-out in Norway.

Controversy or not, we have to face it: we are in an ever changing world. A world where the law is by civil vigilante, the modus operandi is the innumerable protests and mass revolt. The voice of the people characterized by people going on the streets with banner. The common evil be the repressive and unscrupulous government.

Is this the truth? Has the foundation of nationhood set by our forefathers have reached the end of road? More tantalizingly, has democracy lost its ideals?

I think not.

Democracy demands from its people values which it itself cannot supply. The willingness to abide in the law for the stability of the society. To submit to the system of election where leaders chosen by the majority is accepted by even the minority. The values of civility, of fairness and for equality, with all reasoning and proof. Maturity in the citizen when accepting the direction of the nation. Democracy cannot teach us that, only us can make democracy run.

When we look into the reasons for protest, it is nearly always about the refusal to accept the decision of the majority. Bersih for 'dirty' election. China for 'mistreatment' of workers. Mobs in UK for 'unfair' treatment. When we have most certainly live in a democratic nation, shouldn't we too be willing to abide by the system? This system is impartial, is fair. Yet many a times the cry of injustice somehow is due to the minority not happy with the choice of the majority. Bersih with the opposition leaders. Mobs for their lack of effort and just plain lazy. Minorities who think they are mistreated because they are minorities when they never realised that it can be their own problem. I cannot make a blanket cover that all these people are those who are sore loser. I sincerely believe there are people who truly believe that the police are brutal and the election is unclean for valid reason, but I tend to see that it is more to the masses who don't understand the need for the value impartiality, simply an expression of a sore loser.

Impartiality needs matured people. In so many cases we are seeing kids who are storming the roads. Adults who behave like kids. Why do masses of protest nearly always degrade into violence? If by a matured mind, to fight for a cause that is clean and pure is to use clean and pure ways. To reflect their fight for the betterment of all. Violence does nothing than destroying innocent lives, burning own civilian houses. Who then are the hooligans?

Kids.

They have no idea what they are fighting for. A word in their mind by the so called leader, but never look deeper into the case for struggle. When there is no true cause to fight for, passion overtakes the mind. Raw passion that has nothing. Rallies nearly always end up with people hurt because of that. Kids who do not comprehend what truly does it mean to struggle.

Yes, I do not deny there are times where struggles is needed. Martin Luther King struggled for the equality of man. Mahatma Gandhi for the independence from colonial masters. They have the rights of the majority in their minds. They have the sense of purpose: the fight for what is right in the world. They had all the passion but with a noble heart. Untainted stand for the values of man.

Evil rules only when good man do nothing. The crucial word is this two: evil and good. A struggle is only worthwhile only when it is for good and against evil. When the good is truly good, and the evil an unforgivable sin. The mobs do not realise this. The police may be wrong, but they themselves may have been the cause of their predicament. The election commission may be corrupted, but are us totally impartial and purely for the rights of man?

Finally, Norway. This is a classic extremist. Evil and good has been twisted, a worldview so vile which is shared by all terrorist. We all have blurred the line of good and evil if we go on rallying for a no-cause. The further we go, the more we breed vicious people with no compassion.

This is it. If we truly want fairness and equality, we first have to look into ourselves, have we taken away the rights of another, the majority when we do this?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2

2011-08-07T16:29:00.002+08:00

It has been a freakishly busy week where the next stage in life is set. Fulfilling promises and forgetting them. Balancing me and others. Living not for myself, yet tempted to isolate myself.

How quaint that this ends with Harry.

One sentence struck me. Pity not the dead, but pity those who live without love.

Love is odd. It causes the worst nightmare to turn bright, turns the worst of man to be human, drives one man to forsake life for love.

That whole finale reminds us just that.

Snape is a man of love. A shell of discipline and hardness, yet because of the little love someone has given to him, he forever is grateful and never left that love. Till the end.

Voldemort is a victim of lovelessness. Never loved, and thus never love. Grateful to no one, no one to live for. Without love, he grappled for an aim. He chose immortality.

Harry is the product of love. Loved by all, learnt to love and dwelled in love.

Lucius Malfoy too is a product of love. The love for the family, the love that wrecked evil, though he had no care for the lives of others. Still it's love.

Dumbledore too loved. He lost love that he came to treasure love. That nothing matters if there is no longer someone to love.

Love is strong, so strong that the intricate acts of love can tremendously change the world. A little more love can turn one away from suicide. A little more love keeps a man before dying a vengeful man. A little more love and terrorists will not appear. Each small step of love, a loving act from a parent, a small kindness of treating one man as a man, greeting someone with love.

It is love that drives, and love will go on.

I do not think all that is naive thinking. Each small act, each impulse is so real that the world can have. A child who experienced love will be able to love. A poor man who is treated a living man will see his value in living. A lonely person noticed to remember that he is never alone anyway.

Love. Why not we give a little love?

Wheeeeew

2011-07-19T20:49:00.002+08:00

While I may have shut out of here for quite some time, I must say, I itch to write. It has been a tremendous merry go round for the past few weeks. I may have not done my best in everything I've been doing, I'm now moving back on track. There is no denying that yes, life still goes on. Everyone's.

So all I can say now is, take courage. Fate and decisions lie in our hands, and God knows what we will decide. He has his ideas of where next, and we have our decision to make. Freewill is ours, only if we choose wisely, with God's grace.

Our time is short, but the future holds its unpredictable hands on us. Who knows, a new path can be blazed out through the pitch black hole.
Light at the end of the tunnel.

"Prostitution" and wives

2011-06-10T09:31:00.005+08:00

Post no. 101 is something I've gathered throughout the grueling AS, though I foresee God's hand on the future.

Now it's about running hard. Doors are opened, now is to choose one to go. Lessons are learnt, whether or not it is taken into the heart. The whirlwind studies of the Bible reap some pretty unexpected refreshment on the soul. For a doubter like me, it is a good arena to prove or disprove facts or fictions. From the arguments of belief in Galatians to the daring questions of Habakkuk, the people and places in Ruth, to the leadership revamping in Thessalonians, I do see a point.

Yet the world never stops spinning. Morals and thoughts are constantly being challenge by events and damning reports of the world.

The foremost and the most intriguing ideas that rages across, well, our dear Malaysia.

Should a wife be a first class prostitute to their husband?

Sounds offensive, even obscene to some people. Of course, the phrase "prostitute" always conjure that lewd image of girls in skimpy cloths standing by the sidewalk waving you in. That if we look into the dirty underworld, they are the ones being used and mistreated, under the whims of their pimps, having as much as a new customer every 10 minutes. Of course, there are those who just simply want to sell their body, simply for money and profit.

But is that what is meant? I would think not. My idea is that, what they are supporting is the fact that, yes, we have to admit in modern man's mad dash to everything that gains money, relationships drop to a freezing zero, even among couples. We can't deny that, seeing the number of children becoming latch-key child, or the cases of infidelities and divorce. Prostitution, as they mention, meant that women ( it came from the Obedient Wives Club) provide sexual pleasure to their husband. Not for promiscuous passions, but simply to express the love to their husband, to please them out of love.

That is my definition. If it is what they believe it is, then I don't see a problem in that. Love without a show of love equates to nothing. No one can read the mind of the other, no matter how close you are to the other person. If we retain that love in the heart without expressing it, how can the object of your love actually know about your love? For a married couple, the connection of love is even deeper. Sexual pleasure is then, an integral part of that connection. It is the joining of two flesh to one, signifying undying love of a husband an wife. Sadly, because humans are fickle, this love needs to be strengthened from time to time. Including sex.

In an environment that relationships, no, marriage relations become a logical and mechanical being, it is then prudent for someone to come out with a phrase that seems outrageous but perfectly logical to remind married couples, hey, there is a need to remember what marriage is for.

I have to comment though, I believe it can't be solve by simply having more sex. A relationship should be multi-faceted, needed connections between the heart and so on. But without utilizing the beautiful gift of God, aka sex, it is still hard to mantain such intimacy of marriage.

I am no expert. Come on, I'm not even married! All I can say is what I see and what I read....

OK, don't freak out XD

Post No. 100 (Its a long 4 years to get here...)

2011-06-02T19:40:00.002+08:00

I'm not a prolific writer. Never spent ages on my blog every single day trying to spew out something. Maybe its just I'm not capable of doing it.

So for blog no.100, I will do a tribute.

Honestly, if I sift through all my past posts, I do sound squeamish. Its either about love, or relationships, or some tormenting signs in the heart that cannot accept certain changes. Or embracing changes themselves. The pressure of competition, the haunting memories of triumphs which never reappear, the halo of being the champion, well, in my dreams. I guess these were the underlying factors that drove me to write. Love and relationships was intriguing, but not as lethal as the fears I have.

The fear of losing, the fear of being ostracized for losing and the fear of being a nobody, a nothing with no achievements.

Have I changed? After all, this is a 'century' of blogging.

I can't say outright, "Yes, I'm a new person", but I can say, God's grace pulled me through. After all, the topsy-turvy changes in environment and situation didn't drive my ragged mind to the brink. At least I did not go insane when I lost the old glories of being the champ, the sad fact losing competitions, especially in something called speeches. And not being able to climb to the top, not able to actually win anything in debate, moroever have a dismal win-loss record (Don't ask me, can't remember the losses). So in the end, I'd sound like a failure to my runner ups and champs in national competitions, fairy tale double top student in the days of my primary school. And I've nothing in sports to mark me as an all-rounder.

Humbling yardsticks, telling me, no, I ain't a genius. Neither am I here in language!

Curiously God fulfilled what He said. That it won't be the geniuses and the strong who will live the perfect life, with the perfect scores and perfect names. Sure, they'll see the successes externally, but are they really having a terrific, better-than-all life? Maybe, but God's plans are immense. Its different.

So instead of having a terrific, high-flying result, I have a mind that is free. I make tons of silly mistakes, and thats a weird trend and dogged me since my high school years. But I'd rather delve into understanding the whole concept then go memorizing answers. Sure, I won't get into the top class for geniuses, but at least it humbles me to search the truth for the sake of the truth, rather than some other motive that has nothing to do with it, example, blowing up the ego. With that flaw, I can reach out to people. At least I can say, hey, I'm somewhere like you, ain't some god from some genius world. Just an ordinary guy. It may not get me to Cambridge or Harvard (doesn't mean I won't try :P), but I'd rather have my soul then sell it to the miserable life, at least to me, of trying to perfect the imperfect that I have no power to perfect it.

Instead of striking hard in winning competitions, I realised what God gave me: a heart to teach others, and let others grow and be the winner. I've never won anything major in debate, and maybe never will. But I willingly will go all out to help others realise that dream.

Would never have known if I were the swashbuckling dude on the arena.

Honestly, it does give me an heartache when I see wins and perfect scores. But I keep to what I've learnt. A 3 weeks lesson on returning to God, returning to where I was. Plus 3 Idiots. It all reminds me of the very first lesson I'd learn 2 years ago: God wants me to live a life of what He wants. To dance life in a way he wants, a lively dance that glorifies Him. Thats the only way to live a life that is whole. In a sense the way to live.

Sure, some may think its escaping the truth, refusing to face the truth. Maybe, but at least I know God has something better for me. Something He planned, but I cannot yet see. If it is a lie, a lie to myself, then God will reveal to me. And change..

For the sake of our planet, tourism should be discouraged

2011-05-21T21:31:00.002+08:00

Everyone loves holidays. Relaxing in sandy beaches, riding up precarious hills and galloping one the verdant fields of exuberant beauty. Some may choose sinking into the exotic cityscapes of the east, or simply a enjoyable stroll in the romantic Europe. Not to forget!
,the shoppers paradises and night clubs. Yet have we ever thought of the impact we may have upon the environment with our very entertainment that we glean from the womb of mother nature? It is then important, or even urgent for us to answer such a question as the age of ever increasing connectivity looms large upon us.

One of mankind's biggest blow upon the environment is the pollution of the air. Traveling simply aggravates the problem. Undoubtedly, the very start of our journey would have needed more than usual amount of fuel. Driving to a far off place, hitching a ride on a train or flying up above the sky, all that need fuel. Fossil fuel. The fuel that has, for decades heavily spewed smoke and soot up into the air. With the ever increasing affluence of man, more will travel. More soot released, more nitrogen oxide. In the end, we will see an area covered with photochemical smog. Places like China has already felt its pinch, eternally shrouded with this tainted air. As more people travel to these places, more pollution occurs. For the sake of tourism, many cities, especially in third world country will upgrade it's infrastructure and image. This means the need of electricity spikes. When most countries still rely heavily on fossil fuel, up to 80%, for the generation of electricity, the horrifying implication cannot escape the modern eye. More energy needed meant more power plants needed. Once again, we are glancing into the abyss of eternal smog. Air pollution is a pressing matter.

Another mainstay of man is the ability to consume in an alarming rate and then creating tons of rubbish on the way. As the world faces the prospect of the depletion of material, tourism simply kill the slim hope that we may have. The increased amount of people to a certain region just for tour would suck dry the resources, in terms of water or food available. As if the problem isn't enough, they will then regurgitate out tremendous amount of rubbish. This is an alarming problem. There will be a need for more land for garbage disposal. In developing country, where the public waste management is in diplidated state, garbage will be strewn across the street. Rivers heavily polluted as garbage cannot be disposed properly by local authorities, or irresponsible tourist dumping into rivers. This kills the aquatic life. For the hardly clean rivers like the Ganges, tourism no doubt will doom it to a certain death. Rivers of life now become dead, aggravated by the amount of people visiting it.

The final blow comes from the greed of man itself. Where there is tourist, there is business. Swanky hotels, top brand shops, insanely huge malls. All that needs construction. All that needs land. Land that has to be cleared of forest, of natural habitats. This is the huge abomination that man can do. For the sake of earning money, man will cut down everything. Once green pastures stripped of grasslands just to satisfy the craves of tourist for shopping centers and souveniers. Tropical rainforest torn down to built expensive resorts claiming to be in the heart of the wild. Habitats for animals are destroyed, the ecosystem disrupted beyond repair. The once magnificent biodiversity reduced to nothing, plant life barely surviving. Resorts on beaches yet offer direct threat to the local wildlife. Imagine a turtle, who in the holy act of laying eggs for the survival of it's kind being ogled by tourists who know nothing better! Some even go to the extent of stealing them to be sold to tourists. Sadly, it is the very truth, and the result is obvious. Once in the 80's the rantau abang beach in Malaysia had dozen of turtles visiting
it's shore, now barely one do come ashore. Good for tourists, bad for local wildlife.

We cannot then ignore the welfare of man. Many people in the tourism sector rely on this to support the family. People from nations like Thailand, Indonesia heavily depend on the coming of tourist to derive their income. Without it, there is no way they can live by. Especially for those in the field of ecotourism. Many of them act as guides and trackers. Without tourist there can be no guided tours. Without hotels, there can be no tourist. Without transport no one would come. They will be condemned to a lifetime of poverty, no way out of the meager fields they plow. No tourist would condemn a nation to poverty. Nations like Tunisia were desperately poor, but with the advent of tourist from Europe, life got better. Nearly 70% of it's economy depends on it. Places like Bali, Indonesia became the major earner, with it being the second highest gross domestic income area, only losing to a oil rich but sparsely populated area. Fortunes change for them, their children able to have a better life, a future, albeit at the expense of the environment.

We have to realize one thing. Tourism is something inevitable, but for the sake of the planet, it has to be discouraged. Yet discouraged does not mean a total ban. They can go for some trips, but not as often as some obscenely rich people. The welfare of man still has to be taken into consideration, but if there is no demand, there is no supply. They can, though, be supported in different ways. Unless we can find a way to solve the current woes against it, it is best we leave it for the moment. Home is still the best place to be.

Values and law

2011-05-07T18:56:00.000+08:00

Its tiring, before AS. Am I not worried? I guess so

But the very idea of being worried before exams is another battle of values. Should one be worried? Should not one be completely confident when all there is to prepared has been done? Sadly I have to say, no. The human factor added in is one of a tremendous effect.

I discovered a very tantalizing truth: the very edge of logic and sense have to comply to the very basic principles that ultimately govern this world. Principles as in values, values that are held in common in the whole world, values that actually make a society, a nation survive. I can dare to say, no nation in this world can survive if it had not a value system that is similar to all other races. The ones that don't have been eliminated.

Let me elucidate. Most of our societies do not advocate sibling marriage. All the mainstream people never say:" You must marry your sister". This is a value that is upheld across the board, one if violated is subject to heavy punishment. Yet in the past, there are great nations that do that, example Egyptians and Persians. But note there, did this original nation survived? Nope, not one, as much as they held the ancient world at sway.

Another value is the fact of punishment to those who harm others of the same society. All laws now do that, traditional laws always indict a punishment, no matter how illogical it sounds. No society that thrived on sheer barbarism can take on the world, nor a society without a law. No law, it collapses, as some tribes do. Even seemingly barbarous nations do have a certain law with them, including your friendly terrorist around.

What is the greatest link between this two? Values are across the board. With these laws, which upholds a certain value, humanity survived. There must have been an originator of these laws, that the world should wound around all these regulations.

We can peel open that link by looking at the nature of law. A society regulated by law seem to be safeguard by it. Yet a society is a complex web of relationship between each and everyone of us. Without this relationship, there is no need for a law. So in a sense, relationships is why we need laws. And laws are simply the worded version of values.

In the end, it is because we connect that laws are made. To protect us from unraveling the connection between each of us.

Someone did that. God. Laws only apply when there is an existing relationship. Acknowledging such a connection, we will be able to see why these laws are made. I would call natural laws.

God's law.

Ah, I miss talking to my friends =/...

iPad and ShouLd we be bothered with education

2011-05-01T22:55:00.004+08:00

Depending on who you view this, I find typing on iPad is pretty cool....

Anyways let's look into an issue that I think bugs loads of people, especially parents who are bout to send their kids to school.
Any school.

First in the Malaysian context, the reverting of the science and math in malay. A thorny issue that saw the war of words amongst the opposing proponents spilling fire into any editorial of major newspaper. Madness is the essence when we see the flaming arrows tha presumably be able to penetrate the thick hide of each other. A sad case of our liberal nation that cannot find a middle path between all the hullabaloo of screaming parents and fiery professors.

The irony that no one actually asked the kid which does he prefer.

With the ppsmi opponents currently winning the war, at least politically, it's supporters are racking their brains to retain a certain autonomy to be able to exercise what they want. A separate school system thar gives certain schools the freedom to do it in English. Something that the government wouldn't, hear of it, and understandably so. Who would want two system that will split up the people and increase cost to come up with two system?

So where do I stand? As much as I support it in english for it's international usage, I have to admit, this war will affect the child. It has to be for the building of the new individual in the child. As much as we are talking about the sanctity of the Malay language, or the job propect of the child, I believe the most important part is not about the child gaining a foothold in the future, or becoming the defender of the Malaysian culture, but rather whether or not the child will grow in character, with values and principles that he or she see fit, with guidance that makes him think. Let us not for the sake of future neglect the fundamental aspect of the child: the mind.

So which language would he be able to learn all that? I guess it would be the language of the parents. A child can master any language, but the language he thinks in is usually the first language his parents taught him, be it English. Chinese, Tamil or Malay. It is from this perspective that we see the importance if using a certain language. To think well in that language. Whether or not you use any language as the medium of instruction, it doesn't matter. Science and math in English, not a problem. In bm, I don't see a case there too. More crucially are we trianing our children how to think. Thinking and it's processes are the most important aspect. Yes, communication cannot be downplayed, but mere talk itself without matter sounds like an empty tin can. If our education system has a set of path that leads our youth to think, I would not object to any language.

Which comes back to where I stand. The Malaysian sector in education is pretty much in it's infancy. It is trying to educate it's people, yet to balance between traditional Asian expectation of a memorization of knowledge and the western ideals of the thinking mind. A balance would be a nice one, but sadly, we are caught in the middle. I call for english, for the face that majority of the time we are not using english. Our mother tongue prevails. Thus many are proficient in malay, Chinese and so on. We too have to realize that hey, we cannot survive if we cannot master the current language of knowledge: english. We cannot isolate ourselves in the lonely vigil of self-preservation, but to improve our standing. The best way to balance? Science and math, the subject of technology and modernization, in english.

Yes, maybe there are arguments on the townsfolk not being 'patriotic' for the majority use of English. Let's face it, the competitive world favors English for its global nature. Even if the schools get them in malay, they will still speak english nonetheless. Their family would want them to speak anyway. Or they themselves do that. No way they will speak their mother tongue as often, and it is not because you learn your cells and chemicals in english.

That's all that I have to say.

Grace. Redemption.

2011-04-22T21:23:00.003+08:00

Yes, today is Good Friday. And Earth Day, a two in one.

And today is about grace.

It is no coincidence that within a month I read two books about grace, both by terrific authors who have the crystal clear view of grace. What grace is. What forgiveness is.

In the midst of my own struggles in one of the toughest months of life, I see something that pales beyond that beyond comparison. Grace. Little struggle, huge oppressions, no trouble, no sin made by man is too small to be discounted for grace, no adversary too huge for grace to encompass. All God has is grace, for little things and for huge events.

That is the beauty of grace, that grace eventually flows from top to bottom, never losing its sweetness, never losing its fragrance.

Yes, I've never been a very strong person. Admittedly I'm weak, always thronged by flip-flops of emotions and uncertainty of life. I'm always disturbed in some way. A wonder that I did not crack after so long. Pressures I'm not able to take in. Fears rule my head and slap me in the face. I do manage to alienate people I'm close with, being near will hurt another. The brooding me in the shield of confidence, not a good thing with a gilded image and a broken inside.

Yes, the bubble is broken. No, I'm not that Christian that has it all. No, I'm a weakling, and one who cries out again and again. Sometimes I feel really sorry that I've to trouble people when everyone have their own invisible enemies to battle.

Today after skimming through grace, I find an oasis: the very fact that Jesus targeted the weak, poor and downtrodden. It is the weak, the brokenhearted that he approaches. It is them whom he will cure. And it is them who will believe in Him.

Yes, I found His strength. The Sermon on the Mount, the opening with the visual analogy of a wise man building his house on the stone, withstanding the angry floods as compared to the foolish builder on the sand. The rock led the house to stand.

So then I will stand. Listening to Him. Continue delving into His world. No use forfeiting the soul for the incomprehensible wealth and decadence of the world.

No doubt I'm weak. No doubt I will fall and fall again. But I want that faith to always remember, no matter what happens I'm not going to fall.

Like the people in Alcoholic Anonymous, being brutally honest is something that frees. Being brutally honest with God. Being a Christian is the realisation that we are broken, but we claim on the grace of God, the overflowing grace that we share with the world.

Yes, I'm and imperfect complainer, a chronic inferior. But I want to see grace. And want to share grace. No, I'm not going to show that I'm completely perfect, but I want to say, the journey is continuing.

So what would be different after accepting Christ? My experience has no supernatural conversion. Rather a sensitizing of the soul to the God that is omnipresent, that opened the logical mind, emotions and spiritual eyes to everything around me. The awakening of the mind to the real purpose of living right in the world of wrongs, of the world that sends confusing messages and the world that pushes you to the wall and shout :" Accept it, that's life!".

The giants may shout, you are worthless. Or the world may scream, you are good enough, fashionable enough.

Neither is one is right. Only what God says, no one is good enough, but through Him we are purified. And we are to spill grace to the world.

Nuclear plants, part 2

2011-04-16T12:39:00.002+08:00

The debate rages on. In the previous session of debate, we've heard a pretty interesting idea of facing this questions: what if we were looking at the wrong thing all the while? What if the building of a nuclear plant is all about us?

The idea is this, building a nuclear plant is all about what type of society that we envision. If we want a materialistic and high consumerism society, why not build it? Or rather, why not build everything from solar to nuclear? If we want to continue to enjoy, or even elevate the enjoyment of things and life, we would want to consume more, even more than ever. To obtain more manufactured goods, enjoy more nightlife, feel the exhilarating joy rides. All that needs energy, all kinds of energy. So it becomes non-discriminant whether or not we wish for the "clean" energy, or we to face a tit-a-tat problem, choose one on our own peril. Why care the world, why care about the continuation of our comfortable world?

This idea is pretty controversial.

So let's look at this in the proposition side. Yes, undeniably we love all that consumerist ideals. One thins is that we cannot escape, the other is that we would never want enough. That justify the building of a plant. Each leap forward in human civilisation needs energy, energy from whatever source. The age we are in, the age of Oil does not mean that we rely ONLY on oil, but rather an add on to our existing supplies of coal and so on. The reason our modernisation was catapulted forward is that we have an extra source of energy, thus more energy than before. Coal and so on are not phased out, the very fact we can see in China and US, for those were the energy that we still need. Oil simply added on to that advantage.

So a nuclear plant would accelerate us into a society of higher standards, with all having a good life from this extra source of energy.

Yes, now the idea of all having energy. We have to concede that there is an imbalance of energy supply to each man on earth. Rich countries can afford more energy, due to larger number of energy plants such can hydro dams and so on. The poor do not have that privilege. Thus with the inherent advantage of a nuclear plant, the need for relatively small amount of fuel to propel the generation of energy, it is the best way to add on to the energy that we have, that all can enjoy relatively cheap energy, less cost, more money to improve houses, more money to send kids to schools and university. Yes, proponents of green tech or green fuel say that there are alternatives, biomass and so on. But how would the poor profit? They would only obtain enough energy for their homes, and it depends on them being on the agriculture scene. What of the city? Moroever building a biomass reactor simply produces heat. More mechanism would be needed for the generation of electricity, and that needs money. Can't imagine how would they be able to fork out such money.

Welcome all who rebutt. I too do have some ideas on how, but I want to listen to you guys ><

Should we built Nuclear plants? Part 1

2011-04-01T17:59:00.003+08:00

The disaster in Fukushima reminded us the power of nuclear energy and the immense power one small atom can bring about. The power unleashed by nature spilled out that energy that can well decimate the world, as much as humans try to harness it for a near infinite use. Such disasters strikes deep, even for a nation famous for its security, meticulous planning and relatively clean track record, it cannot be easily subdued. This raises a concern for us in Malaysia, not so much of whether or not the radioactive fumes start choking our atmosphere, but the uncertain future of having one in our doorstep.

Malaysia plans to build two nuclear plants by 2021, a huge leap for Malaysia to further progress in the field of science, and for the sustainability of energy as the world faces the reality of the depletion of petroleum. Questions arise, and will continue to arise in the debate between the two sides for their versions of a better future.

Siding on those who support the construction of nuclear plants, we have to realise one very legitimate need: the need for a new energy source. Our primary source of energy is petroleum, as for the past 50 year. This source is easy to obtain, easy to distill, easy to use. An easy way out to the centuries of coal and even bonfires. It changed the whole landscape of the modern world: the rise of plastic, the decrease of prices and the increase in consumerism. In short, defining the high octane, colourful world we see now.

It is hard to wean us off from this diet.

Thus in search of a substitute just as potent, to keep up our "addiction", we turn to a new branch of physics: the physics of the atom. Nuclear energy. An energy that seem to be invincible and eternal. An energy source that needs basically minute amount of fuel, relatively easy to obtain. An energy source that is so similar to petrol. Something that can quench our thrist for energy.

Splitting into what petrol did for us, it opened a whole new branch of science, of exploration. Shattering our worldview of what it really is. When petroleum first came about, people tapped it for fuel. But the very present of it fuelled immense reasearch and petrochemical chemistry emerged. Plastic rose, and everything came about, from the economy to the improvement of our lives.

Same will emerge from nuclear energy. The fact that it fuels more research and development. Creates a new form of science, a new frontier for people to step into. Each generation needs a physical object to work on. The age of petroleum is nearly over, thus there is a need for a new shoot to sprout. Nuclear energy would be one. It will fuel more research, more deeper understanding to what makes our world. It will fuel the economy, as it drives into green technology, where the reduction of carbon footprint would be of an immense use. It will also be a source even higher technology to emerge, with energy that only nuclear plants can support. More people can enjoy better living, through miniature energy cells that can lasts within a small community. Poor communities can profit with NGO undoubtly seeing this as a potential.

Some may say, it is not that green isn't it?

That, I will answer in the next post.

Living for Today

2011-03-17T10:40:00.003+08:00

Honestly I detest holidays. The mind have nowhere to go, all it does it wander in its own four walls, finding itself trapped in passions and the past.

I read something that truly applied to me. I once lived in the past, what I do, how I behaved was determined by the past. Past hurts and humiliations defined me. I feared doing things for its repercussions, or presumed repercussions that was implied by my Past. Living in that was hellish, an inferno of passions. Rather than not repeating the past, I repeated I again and again. Living in the past was of no use.

Then I tried living in the future, full of hope, full of vigour for what is to come. I imagined a glorious future, worked tirelessly to realise that Future. It started off good, shrugging off the burden of the Past. Yet another problem arises. What is the future? I can only imagine what I can be, but it may not be what I am. I can imagine to be a superb debater, but probably I'm not. Whenever I day-dream of a wonderful future, darkness fall in and tells me, I can imagine it the other way round.

Like in the movie The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, the battle between living in the passions of the past, or dreams and fairytales of an imagined world. Neither can work.

Connections breakdown, the soul became stretched. Tired and weary of dreaming, sick of dwelling in some distant past.

So where should we live in?

The Present. Live life now. Cherish whatever we have now. Do what we need to do now, including planning for the future, a duty for the Present. Live for today. Connect for today. Care for today, no longer to drag it for tomorrow. Like the Chinese idiom, if we continue waiting, nothing will come out of it but everything undone.

So live for today. Jesus never said, wait till tomorrow, or not do it as the past showed some gory premonition. He went on day by day, with God above by His side.

We can live away from that. We can be for today.

Invest whatever talent for today, do it on and on. It does not mean to be hasty, no. Living for today is to live as today should be lived by. Planning out what to do each day is a duty for today, and the duty for tomorrow is to do what is planned. Yet not be inundated when plans are forced to change, for it is meant to be changed.

God lived for each day. He deals things for each day, and each day alone. The future, or its uncertainty is nothing to be thought of, the past is simply something we cannot change any longer.

As humans, we cannot change ourselves, we will suffer this ping pong effect for the rest of our lives. All we can hold on is faith. When confusion sets in, hold on to faith. It is that lifeline.

Meaning of names

2011-03-06T16:38:00.002+08:00

Every name has a meaning. Every name has a certain ring to it. Especially Chinese names. Each word for the name is chosen meticulously, to make it ring nicely, with a certain meaning that is to encourage the person to strive for that namesake.

Sometimes it is very accurate.

My name has a meaning. In Chinese, it means "Farming". It is from an old Chinese idiom that states that, one ounce of effort, of farming, one ounce of reward.

Somehow it rings unto me. Im not a smart person. What I have now, I worked hard for it. I can speak due to the trainings I had. My results are OK as I had to work doubly hard to achieve something like that. It was hard training, but it is the only way.

What does your name means? Does it apply to you?

God. Believe. Values. Humans.

2011-03-05T09:39:00.003+08:00

Bear with me, I don't feel like discoursing some arguments, at least this morning.

I can say that 2010 and 2011 are my more quiet years. Nothing much to do than study, nothing much to handle than debates.

Yet they will be my most torturous years too. The mind expanding, trying to see the world is different perspective. Trying to envision the future with my limited vision. Turning inward to see the truths of man, facing heavenward to await God's teachings and guidance.

Maybe after years of swashbuckling and 'working', its time to be silent and watch. I do not know what my future holds, nor would I know why this relatively passive period.

I just chug on.

Reading became, or rather have always been my favourite pasttime. Anything i can get hold of, meaningful books ( I dislike rubbish novels..). So curiously I took on a book that might actually sound weird coming from a Christian.

A book written by a Buddhist monk. Xing Yun Fa Shi.

I believe that any religion, or rather anything people say or believe, values or theories have its truth. Nothing is all farce, everything has a degree of truth. The only difference is how far it deviates from the truth. People who believe in ethnic cleansing and genetic superiority may have true justification to believe in, but how far that truth goes is questionable. Religions that call for peace, call for us to look away from the lies and seduction of the world is closer to the the truth, the only way, the right path.

Jesus is the only way, the truth and light. Everything, absolute truths are all known and made by God. All other paths are misleading, but the degree of deviation varies. Some are small, some huge.

What I read is close. He talks about the challenges of man living in the 21st century. About facing seductions, wealth, fame and so on. That we should not go on looking into the false sense of security in money, in wealth, in fame. Jesus would have agreed with him. Maybe the pathway of how to deal with it maybe wrong, but the underlying problem was identified.

It still can serve as a wake up call. God uses everything to remind us, even if it were something unlikely or someone way out of our expectations.

Do I believe that all paths lead to total truth? No. Only Jesus.

Back on Earth. I'm no superman. I fall, and admittedly I fall easily. Sensitive to people and relations. Moving deeper in loving always meant more pain, a pain that is worthwhile. Pangs of pain do occur sometimes, ignited by songs or music.

And blogs. I read them. It is a story of pain and growth. I find people like me, people unlike me and experiences similar or diverse.

Humans are such a paradox.

Wrongfully convicted people: Should they be compensated?

2011-02-26T15:11:00.002+08:00

Nothing is perfect. Everyone have flaws.

This includes all human made institution, from public transportation to major private companies. But when it comes to subjects that are close to the hearts of man, somehow errors become unbearable and must be punished.

Especially when it involves their own right's. Justice.

That is the very reason why there is this controversies. Across the board, from US to Malaysia, there are people, albeit rarely are being wrongfully convicted by the court. Cases are abundant of people locked up for 20 odd years to find that they did no wrong. Cases where people are even wrongfully hanged for crimes they never faced. The controversy of the soldier convicted to death sentence in Taiwan rocked the whole nation, even when it was a 20 years ago case.

The media harps on these issues. They pound on the judiciary, smearing them as evil and incompetant, slamming them as unfit and bad. They are shamed, and eventually fired, always branded as incompetent.

So should the state compensate for the lost and agony that is done?

I say no. The need for compensation cannot outweigh the very basis of the law court.

The judicial system was set up to be an arbiter of conflict. We have to admit, conflicts is an integral and inherent problem between man. When there is more than one person, there is always conflicts. Where there is more conflicts, there will be more scuffles, more punches and more wars. Based on all this problems, man discovered the need of a just, fair third party to challenge this degradation of society.

A human made organisation to battle the very essence of human nature.

But the problem is, human nature is volatile, it does not obey a certain particular rule. It can twist and turn in every way, for good or for evil. Judicial systems however are rigid systems, man made to last. Pressed against a human nature that is never constant, it has to change to serve to that change. It has to be encouraged to change and not to leave as stagnant. Thus it is always imperfect, no matter how much we fix it.

Thus errors always do occur. Many reasons why people are wrongfully convicted. The limited technology to investigate a certain case. The limited experience it has on handling a totally new society and thoughts. For example, homide may not have been often then, thus when faced with one, it does not know how to react as there is no law concerning it.

And also the human factor within the judicial system. The judge.

The judges are human. The reason for them not to be robot is that they can gauge the need for which level of conviction to be given. To be flexible in judging to give the maximum justice. To be forgiving in some way and be strict in another. To dispense justice to the right ones, being flexible to spot snakes from truncating the system.

And humans, we are prone to error. To make mistakes when deciding something. Even if it were something very important, no matter how careful we may be, we will still make mistakes, once is a while.

So where does all this goes?

Firstly, a system that is rigid needs improvement. Thus improvements can be made according to the society. As a matter a fact, improvements are there when there are problems. When there are errors. The judicial system, facing a volatile society, has to find its way through. Its errors serve as a reminder to them, a lesson to learn on how to deal with it. Punishing them by compensation simply put this undue pressure on the system to be perfect. This means two things.

One, it may create an even more rigid system. Judging cases not more carefully as it is already, but more logically in its attempt to be perfect where they will not dare to commute a sentence in fear of retribution. Backlog will appear, more cases pile up against each other. The stagnation of the court system and less justice is served. Convicts escaping, jails overflowing.

Second, flexibility is compromised. The whole point of having human judge is to serve the best punishment to the convicts. To allow them to learn and to serve as a detterence. By forcing the state down its knees, its going to compromise such flexibilty. None of the judges will be daring to make a judgement. None would want to be convicted of being a lousy judge. No one wants to lose his or her job just because of a mistake once in a blue moon. Moroever, flexibility means the ability to listen to a case objectively as the society changes. Truth does not change, just how we think changes. By pushing and pressuring the court, the judges are bounded. They will not only have to judge correctly, they too have be pressured to not mess up. Everything will be under scrutiny, and the mortal fear of making a wrong decision will cut out their active mind. Every case judge have that fear lurking in the mind. They cannot judge by their own intuition to measure against the societal changes, where a death sentence now may not be as effective as a life improsonment, for example.

Finally, we have to come to this. Everyone makes mistakes. The mistakes have to be rectified, yes. The courts do release these people and sincerely apologize for their mistakes. This in itself is sufficient as compared to monetary sense.

For the simple reason that each mistakes needs to have its rectification that is equal to that mistake. I feel that money is not justified here. Harm level states that murder equates to death. Here, it is jailing you in the cell for a certain amount of years. You are not punished, nor are you tortured. You have a cell, you have food and so on. What is not there is freedom to move about. Weighing all that in, it does not fit into the equation. Psychology? You are given the time to meet your family, have spiritual classes and so on. Yes, there is the curbing of freedom, but it is on par with the compensation of apology and freedom in itself. No money is involved in this transaction, rather the state spends its money on you. Yes, on family and so on. The judicial system, as said, is flexible. When it involves a single mother, the state would take care of the children, or in some cases allow the children to stay with the mother.

What is more important? Simply money? Or the sincere apology that will further strengthen the judicial system? Thus forgiveness here is justified and the courage to admit is applaudable.

They are humans too.

MARA. Life.

2011-02-26T15:08:00.001+08:00

Finally. Finally I woke up of this bloody daze that somehow I couldn't wake up. Debating seriously can energize the brain, keep the focus and charge on.

God is incredible. And Im going on...

Mere Life

2011-02-05T22:48:00.002+08:00

In a world where life simply runs faster than the speed of light, life becomes a mechanical action, like the churning of cogs and wheels of the gigantic machine called Earth. Life becomes like McD, fast, cheap and fattening. Or so mass psychology of mankind seem to say, society is a mechanical theorem that runs like a computer program.

As much as I like delving into mass psychology, a part of me tugs into the heart, is it worth seeing Earth as such? What of the wonders like the little seed above? As much as science can explain it, we will not stop asking, never stop wondering, other than its scientific value, what is more to life?

What more is what I would like to ask. I will never have an answer, only more questions.

So that life is simply not mere life, but life meaningful.

Mere life is life mechanised. Mere life is where you and I live for the sake of living. Love for the sake of loving. Hate for the sake of hating. As all machines have its working mechanism, so is mere life. Loving something that is good to us, that pleasures us. Hating people that hurt us. A life that discards as quickly as it takes on. Principles of doing things simply following what others do, even in the disguise of compassion. Principles that unfortunately emphasises pride. Thus life that seems to bring fulfillment to all faculties of life simply by mere life.

Until we meet the convulsions of man.

The history of man is pockmarked by tragedies, from individuals to the world stage. When faced with a wholly new circumstances, humans are forced to dig deep into the soul. As every struggles of man shows, success is not so much about winning the war with terrific strategies, but more about the condition of the soul of man. Where has the soul went? Is it down and decimated? Or complacent and lazy? Or is it blazing with passion to shake off the shackles of evil to triumph?

Mere life does not have a soul. It cannot accept such sudden changes. Like any machine, if it is overheated it would blow up. The cogs and wheels break apart and all is left is lifelessness. Sudden changes would break us, the machine destroyed, and life unbearable. A life wasted.

Yet mankind have survived through all that for millennias. It did not fully breakdown as would have been programmed. So what is it that ensured man's survival?

Life. Humans with real life. Life with a soul. Life that sees humans as individuals. Seeing each human, including ourselves, an individual, not simply a mechanical part to the big society, but dots that are distinct which makes up the society. Dots that do not adhere to any generalisation, but it itself a independent life. A life that has an aim and a Creator.

Of course, what then is a soul? Even under mere life, humans are individuals that simply life for themselves and unwittingly tugged by the society. Thus the soul is the key. The soul is what makes human truly human. Though I do not know what your definition of a soul may be, but to me, the soul is what we are. The person is the soul. That means we have a mind that isn't simply a biological machine, but a human being worthy of being loved. A person that can judge what is truly good and bad, that has a conscience and a inquisitive mind to pry into the true image of being human. Most importantly, a free living soul.

Conversely, as a machine, we have to run by a certain principle. Subconsciously we obey that rule without knowing why, or not bothering to know. As a free living soul, we can choose to obey any rules we want. We can choose to murder or to love. We can choose to hurt or to care. We are not set upon by any rules but our own conscience.

Yes, we are free. Whether or not to be good or bad is in our hands. Principles we hold can be changed. Life, we can use it in anyway. Life we can change, no longer a meaningless repetition, but a melody sung by us.

Whether or not the melody is a drone of machinery or a beautiful hymn, it is up to us.

I would use it to sing to God. To train my vocals to glorify Him. To follow that principle for it is right. For justice and for compassion. Not to follow the individualistic principles prevalent, but the good old values from the past.

Let's not live mere life, but real life.

Malaysia. Home.

2011-01-31T22:18:00.002+08:00

God is powerful.

Curiously, it wasn't the CNY mood that the mind attuned to. Spiralling into a miry of thoughts, wasting for a few days, I realised something. God seemed to be telling me about.

Home.

From the Petronas advertisement to watching two finals of totally different sort kind. Two totally different discipline that offers the best of Malaysians in the international stage.

Someone said to me, " Malaysians have potential, we are more than what we think we can do." Watching both finals, one in singing, one in badminton, somehow we have to admit, Malaysia as a miniscule nation as compared to the large powers , yet it does claim a spot in this world. Somehow, Malaysia is still known.

Question is, are we really that powerful? I never doubt the potentiality of each person, inasmuch be it Americans or Malaysians. No one is better than anyone, a nation as a whole definitely have all sorts of talents.

Yet sometimes we have to admit, each culture does cultivate different personalities of people, different type of ethics. Malaysia is conservative. Conservative to the world, where people do still hold on to the fundamental ideals of moral and dignity. Of family and of honesty. As much as we critisize the politics of the nation, notice that we do not have dictatorship that no opposition can survive, no police state that the people suffer. All we have is sometimes petty squabbles that in the end, still serves the people themselves. This conservatism does cultivate a generation, or many generations that are honestly down to earth, who still care for something, who still strive for something as much as comfort and complacency may set in. And the birth of many who will deny complacency its place and break the status quo of the world, be it at the forefront of the technological advancement or achieving excellence in the global stage.

Then connecting to the songs i heard, scenes i watched, books I read, I found something that we take for granted.

This is our home. Malaysia.

As much as we may bear grudges, as much as we lament the unfairness of the system, we simply cannot forget, this is our home. Home is where the heart is. No matter where we may settle in the future, we will never forget our home. Forgetting one's home is forgetting one's root, a kite with a broken string, no identity, no life. No home. Drifting in the sea of clouds, never the heart will settle. Somehow we as this present stage may cry for freedom in the "greater West", but with finality, the heart will lead you home.

Our home here, our root is here in Malaysia. We may not be proud with everything about our home, no matter how a ramshackle it may be, its still our home.

Our home in eternity is in heaven. That home will always be there. But God set us in our homes here. It is not to condemn those who left home, but to remind, come home once in a while.

回家吧.....

Comtemplation

2011-01-24T22:40:00.002+08:00

Today was superbly...weird. I've no idea what happened, suddenly awashed with some weird weakness and headache.

Hopefully it goes away tomorrow.

Serious. Change is never easy. Nor painless.

Society: Are we in control or otherwise?

2011-01-20T09:40:00.002+08:00

Broad topic, but something I would like to scrutinise in.

What is our society based on? What principles do we as citizens of this Earth hold? Why should we even be considerate of others?

With all that in mind, delving into sea of minds, there seem something uncanny and disturbing emerge.

One side of the house propose that the society is defined by its leaders. The man and women who lead people into action. Who spark great revolutions and change. They, leaders not only of the physical sense, but into the ideological world itself. They are the forerunners of a new world. The people who slam through the taboos for a better world. They were the first, thus the world look unto them.

Another side proposed something different. The society is a living organism in itself. Nothing is done in a sense that brings change. From leaders to the lowest of man, no one somehow "impacts" an event to happen. Each revolution, each rebellion, is the product of millions of minds, the result of different decisions made by each individual of the society that somehow changed the world. Change is gradual, as man somehow with coherency decided to a single aim. All for different reasons.

So what of this two ideas? What impact does it make?

Essentially humans want to feel in control. We want to make all things work. When something is wrong, we try to solve it. We put all our efforts for the good of mankind. It is for a good cause, but at times, it can morph into a unrealistic act itself. For example, many feel that killing whales are wrong. Thus, organisations like Greenpeace send their ships to blockade Japanese ships from hunting them with deliberate actions. Yet year by year, the number of dead whales are simply the same. The idea to push for the stopping of whale hunting essentially is a noble act. The whole belief that killing them upsets the balance of nature probably is justifiable. Sadly, based on this belief, we cannot control the situation. Those who believe otherwise will not heed. No human can fully control the other.

The other mindset presents a mind boggling explaination. Since humans are somehow incoherent, that each action, even whale hunting is not done by a single aim to eat them. Yes, some proponents believe that whales are food, why not hunt them? Others may believe that it is good business, though they don't really love whale meat anyway. So many different ideas converge into a single act. If we want to really save the whales, a pragmatic solution may be to tackle each different motives, though near impossible. It may include finding an alternative meat, or maybe breeding whales for food. A hardly pure motive which may still include killing of whales, but not the wild ones.

Some see this as a compromise. But if we want to truly work for a cause, sometimes, there are "compromises". I won't call this as such, but rather a smart idea. In Madagascar, illegal loggers are felling one of the rarest trees in the world-- Rosewood. Many efforts have been done. Ex-president of the island country is a green loving activist. Calling a halt to all this activity, he inevitable caused a problem: people depend on this trade to live, to obtain income. Widespread unemployment killed the nation, a coup happened and the illegal trading became even more rampant, even endorsed by the government in a way.

On the contrary, a conservationist in the island came up with a different approach. He knew that the aim of the people felling the trees is not only about profit. Many too simply want a decent living. What did he do? He, also a biologist, employed villagers to scour the jungle for herbs, where he sells them to cosmetic companies in Europe and the profit is given to the villagers. It may seem as a compromise to the hardcore conservationist who believes each man have to believe in the fragility of the environment, but somehow we have to concede, we can never convince each man to conserve the environment. This does not mean we should not educate them, but besides pure talk, actions, pragmatic ones that will keep their bowls intact have to be done.

Conceding to the fraility of the human's mind does not mean believing in fatalism and do nothing. Something has to be done, but something more pragmatic and down to earth.

19 (Or rather few hours to it)

2011-01-15T22:05:00.002+08:00

Can't believe it. Within the next few hours, I'm older. One year left in the 10-s.

The age of 18 is superb. So many happened, so many shifts and so many uncertainties.

It is simply spot on to learn something at this last day of 18. To use as a reflection for the coming year of 19.

The fact that lying to oneself, allowing oneself to believe in that lie ultimately causes one to not know the truth. Lying about who we are, trying to be who are not simply muddies our differentiate the truth. The lost of truth, or our discernment of truth leaves us unable to love. Unable to love ourselves and others, constantly finding fault in everything, irritable and angry at everything the world throws at us.

Maybe I stepped into the trap. Truth, is hard to gain. I gain it through the hard way.

18. Somewhat it will go down as the year I got myself into the most trouble. Most emotionally charged year I ever had. Facing the raw deal of relationships with whatever learnt in the past, only to find myself poorly equipped to do so. Uncertainties and turmoil. Never believed I could do anything great, but did it nontheless. In the end, I've no idea what I've done.

Yes, the great theme of the year. Relationiships. Started off with the simple friendships beyong borders, then the relationship with God, finally the deeper connections with close friends of mine. All that being questioned, and all that scrutinised and felt. Badly.

Love is so elusive. And never will it be broken. Even in the event of finality, it never breaks. Deep connections will never break without creating a scar, and fine thread still will exist nontheless. It never will be severed completely, unless it was never love.

Nothing in the world is controlled by me. The only thing is how we react to what life throws at us. And in that God assists.

Sometimes I brood too much in sadness and agony. Sometimes its good, but there is always a time to get. Not to shield myself from all that, but to transfer all to God. Each transfer is a chance to learn, pain and mourning. But God promised, He will turn mourning into dancing.

In that, only God can heal fully. No man has the capacity to heal. It simply leads to destruction. The more we try to fix, try to cling onto someone to control our hurts, the more is hurts and destroys.

Love is to set free. Is to allow the other to be free. To make that choice based on their free will. To return love if they want to.

Something that is tough.

So for the start of the 19th year of my life. What do I hope for?

Nothing but the thankful heart for God. Simply said, all I've learnt is not finished. I'm never done here.

I've nothing more to speak. Time to feel pain, but dance within the pain.

Sorrow

2011-01-08T21:12:00.002+08:00

Night. Windy. The sizzling of leaves. The cooling breeze.

Perfect night to learn something I had to learn.

Sorrow.

Some people, like Tolle, feel that sorrow is a negative energy. Something that destroys and must be eliminated. Some people believe in fatalism, that sorrow will never end, and its unchangeable nature meant we shouldn't bother ourselves with that either.

I'd rather agree with Nouwen. That sorrow is not something to be feared. Rather something that will always happen, but never will last eternally with us grovelling in it. Sorrow needs to be lifted, but not by the minds of man, which simply is creating false lies to justify our sorrow. We can be lifted only by God. To be lifted from mourning to dancing. To dance with God.

Dancing to healing. A pathway that is never easy, but never destructive. Simply peaceful.

Maybe sorrow has its benefits.

KPP

2011-01-04T21:38:00.003+08:00

One year.

One year ago, I was in Sarawak. In a place called Kem Puncak Permai.

A totally unlikely adventure of a lifetime.

If I am to say Chong Hwa was the start of great upheaval, then KPP is the end to that process, that lengthy 5 years in total.

The people I meet, the places I go, the things I do there, a short 3 months gave me a lifetime of learning. A short 3 months in a place foreign yet local, the seeing of a society different yet similar, thriving amongst people I seem to know yet do not know. A micocosm of the days before and a shadow to the days after. The place of rest yet a place of activity. Complex yet simple.

Truly all the colours of life, the vibrancy of my world before cannot compare to what I've seen after. New lens I see through. No longer the tiny world where I lived in, sanitized but warm. But a world I see, where I see harshness around, but warmth of humanity inside. Great misconceptions revised, powerful spirit thrive.

Most of all, friendships unexpectedly bloom, people of great power, people of different kinds and people I admire the most.

I miss KPP. Those were the days.

One year.

2011. The future.

2010-12-31T21:52:00.002+08:00

2 more hours to midnight. With 2010 left behind and another 365 days forwards, what is the next plan?

2011 will be the defining year. With many unkowns and potholes along the way, it is a tough year.

A year of grief and emotions passed, am I done with it? No, next year is going to be much sadder. But from this sadness we will gain the power to move forward.

Grief can bring in love.

Then let me love.

Reminicence 2010

2010-12-27T13:15:00.001+08:00

2010. A year full of excitement, unknowns, fears and anxiety. But also a year of self discovery, a year to grow, a year to see things clearly.

One common theme laced all these seemingly random events into a gigantic lesson from God.

To shape the concept of love to what God really is.

My days in Sarawak was sort of like the realisation. The realisation that I've changed, but some part of me, part of my character never did evolve. Never matured. Some incidents reminded me that, my battle with flaws haven't ended, and would never end, that I'm still as sinful as anyone else, as much as my outer shell might exudes maturity. Those were the days the real me floated up, the unchanged me. The motives to do things are still as unclean. The fact that I'm still human, struggling with what the world tempts with. Pride, lust and so many of these evils still clung on to me. A battle that will never end.

But it is this period that taught me, that the battle isn't mine all along. That God is in control of all these events. That I have no need to put myself in the monastery, or even moratorium to win. No, it is God and God's alone.

With God, that is, I learnt another lesson. The weapon God uses is something so subtle that one inch deviated it becomes obsolete.

Love.

Love with the purest of motives. One so hard to attain, that no man can call himself worthy of it, other than those ignorant of themselves. Love that covers all life.

Than the period before college. It was a great struggle. How should I live with this profound truth? As man of limited resources, how can I be such, how can I live only with love? How can I apply? I struggled as the dark past and evils plummet me into a nagging abyss. How can I love?

The answer came in the form of two novels. Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. Silence by Endo. They tell of what true love is. That love is to love life, to do all that life has to offer for the benefit of others, true benefit without a evil motive.

College was the place it all started. Fresh with that thought, I went on with a mission: To help others. To assist all that can be helped to attain what they can. What God can grant. Along the way, I did forget that God was behind this, but certain period of downs forced me back. A lesson learnt, painful indeed.

Until the greatest of all test. The stretch of love. Yes, love that tortures one's mind, love that spends that mental and emotion power, even spiritual to really understand how to love. It was terrifying, the first time I ever try to really love. To really care. And to fully comprehend what a wounded healer is. It is a long battle, stretching for nearly 2 months, only God guiding me. With a novel. War and Peace. How far can I be stretched? How much can one love?

I found. That love by human strength alone drives people crazy. Love, with indifference and the reluctance to enter to their world is simply a touch and go affair. The deepest love, to love and pray, to weep and to intercede for another, to practically feel the pain to heal the pain, is too potent a force that can drive one mad.

But it is this hard lesson that God showed the truth. Love need not to be eternally painful. Yes, it may sting, but God's love soothes like a balm. That being cheerful in adversity is not being naively optimistic, but simply hoping in faith, that God will DO something, no matter good or bad, simply for something that He has planned.

I thought I understood love. No, I'm still a novice. Love still is a lesson to be learnt.

2011. Love will continue its course. Maybe something new will come.

Reprise

2010-12-16T21:53:00.002+08:00

Due to some confusion (frankly, I hate confusion), i delve into a book I have been reading for the past two months. Yes, it was exciting, confusing and overwhelming.

Yes, War and Peace, I think I've noted this book for quite a few times.

In the face of my own griefs, sorrows, indecisiveness and dreamy self, reading such a book simply plunges deeper into that confusion, only to realise that life IS confusing. Nothing stays permanent, no theory can stand forever as the truth until it is the ultimate truth. And nothing in life, no events, no war and caused and manipulated by one man, but the symphony and cacophony of thoughts and actions of individual man thrown together in a situation. That simply put, you can never control your life, but yet you can influence small events around you to great events that explode within a community, a country or even the world.

In short, power is simply an illusion. The idea that a specific reason caused an event to happen is simply a lie. Rather, its the millions, infinite number of reasons that culminate into the end product.

Debate. Arguments. Reasoning is so too. That within a debate, there is no rigid formula, not set ideas or a particular reason that supports nor condemns a motion. Even the most biased motion can be fought for there is simply too many reasons for it. It depends on how the person views it. Even so, no answer, definite answer can be found, but simply the best explaination.

Deviating from that, debate is a tool, but in a sense too much reasoning and logic may at times blind a person to the fact that humans are fallen. Some may stereotype according to logic, but the exception within the human society, or even the contradiction within a man itself moulded a grotesque shape of a human society. No definite answer to why humans act this way. In short, losing the human touch, which inherently recognises the limits of man and strives to live as a human, together with its weaknesses and strengths, to forgive or not to forgive.

In short, love.

Which is simply why God is love. The fact that God knows human limitations that He set laws as guidelines, not the principles to live in. Guidelines, we follow. But simply following guidelines and not believing in the core reason to follow them simply turns into legalistic ways. That is, obeying for the sake of obeying. If we have the core of God, the principles itself, these guidelines will not seem oppressive but simply understandable and even holy. Love is that core, and with that love, the principles we follow will not try to create a utopian man, perfect in all sides, but imperfect man made perfect by God, through love. Including forgiveness.

Yes, forgiveness. To err is human, to forgive is divine. This line simply reflects that idea. Or reflects truth itself.

Yes, I strayed far.

On suicide

2010-12-14T12:55:00.003+08:00

Arguments? No. I would not want to argue about the sanctity of life. Life itself is precious, only certain few who would disagree.
Even those who commit suicide. Or they would have done it even before birth itself.

So the question now no longer lingers around "Should we even be alive", but "How much pain is too much that we should leave this world".

I will start from this argument.

Terminating ones life has its history predating what we have known. People commit suicide after losing a battle, no where to go, no means to support oneself with food or money and so on. Irrespective of which, suicide have been tagging along mankind for as long as it has been there.
Usually dying for a cause. Or as in a battleground, killing oneself to prevent capture and its subsequent tortures.

In the modern context however, since the introduction of Romeo and Juliet, mislead people see love as another legitimate reason to die. As I've said, everyone realises that life IS precious, but for some reason that can outweigh living itself, you would terminate it. When it comes to the reason of love, seen in TV or in many novels these days, it is glorified as a noble act. To die for the love for someone.

I pity them.

The 1st idea is the idea of love itself. Pure love NEVER threatens to kill. It simply loves, it simply think of what is good, it never betrays, never disappoints. Yes, it is unattainable, but there is no reason for us humans NOT to not pursue such love. The very reason why anger and suicides appear is of a corrupted love. Yes, I mean all love we have here is corrupted in a sense, and only God's love is that purest of all.

The next part is the ideal of dying for 'love'. If we were to really die for love, the motive to die for that precious love is in the question. Is there any human love here worth taking your own life for, in the context where no external threat is there? Sadly, no. Someone commits suicide for love, is his or her motives particularly noble? Or is it simply "I can't take the pain anymore". To me, its the latter. Sacrificial love NEVER drives one to die, but to guard and love. Love that is active, that can be seen is much better than love when you are in the coffin! So that only leaves it in the former. Yes, it is MY pain that I cannot deal with.
That can be cured. That can be healed.

I'm not going to be certain Christian who would despise these people and say, serves you right. No, I would pray for all these lost souls. In the end, it is humans, humans like you and I that commits it. It is humans who drives it and we have no right to stare and say that. Rather, what we can is to care for all. To observe and keep in check. To prevent those preventable, to mourn those who have went and to pray, intercede for those we don't know.

Fairytale love and dying for them don't exist in the real world. But faith and the love of God is true. The active love that nudges us to care.
Care for someone. Love as love really is.

Am I to believe?

2010-12-09T10:57:00.003+08:00

In a world where disasters and triumphs intersperse amongst the society of men, no equations can simplify nor deduce the future path of humanity itself. Alternate events of unfortunate events and glorious revivals pepper through the ages, and will continue its never ending cycle time and time again.

From the wider scope of the world at large, to the minute details of each man itself, we have all come to realise the impossibility of man to fully comprehend the workings of the world.

So how should we reside in such a volatile world?

A number chose the path of logic and sense. Analytical minds so great that seem to slice through the very essence of humanity. They try all their best to clearly reason out the whole logical sequence of events, the discovery of the bottom of everything. Science itself. Some chose to let the mind free, roaming the imaginative realm of the mind, searching within for the very mystery of existence. Some choose to observe mankind, watching the canvas of society, and trying to grasp its intricacies in search for the nature of its artist.

A multitude of ways that led to the condensation of minds, mind boggling philosophies to answer the unseen hole in man. The need to have something, but not knowing what is it. The desperate search for that little something, that empty portion.

Thus man resorted to observe the greater outside to meticulously reason out the truth.

Since the history of man dates till a time unknown, why have we not, with all the minds of man of the past and present have not found its definite answer? Why are we still debating about evolution, about creation, about the purpose of life?

What if the answer cannot be found logically? What if the answer cannot be found at all? What if we can never comprehend the magnanimity of life?

I choose to submit to the unknown. I believe, we have not attained our limit of knowledge, but simply somethings are not meant to be questioned. Let what should be unknown stay unknown.

Pain.

2010-12-05T23:01:00.003+08:00

Usually the emo self doesn't show itself. Usually, no one can see whats happening. I wonder if this time i passed that threshold. This time it affected my being, the usual thing.

Yes, its long since I wrote about me.

I've been reading War and Peace. A 1500 page epic of a novel, a whole story of lives of people, a near complete picture of humanity itself. Vividly it tells of men of different walks, different background together.

It started off slowly, only to hit me by part two. The prelude simply set the stage for the main action.

It is historical, set in Napolean's Europe. Incredibly true, yet the aim is not to glorify either side of the war. It simply portrays mankind in its truest self. Which brings in the theme, or what I see as the undercurrent that sweeps the whole novel itself.

Love. That whole book, all the characters are drawn in, or rather in real life, drawn in a irrevocable vortex of love. The complexity and myriad of emotions and life. Tragedies and triumph. The different outlooks of life and ways of thoughts and logic.

It is in this manner that struck me. Only good novels by good authors do spark the mind to think. Tolstoy is powerful in his observations. The observation of different man, and taking in the emotions, feelings in its most precise manner. It almost is alive, where you simply can see it parallel to the real world we live in, the different people in this world. Yet he does not set in a standard of judging what type will survive the world.

Can we be naive and live by principles? To uphold pure motives, to live purely the principles and ideologies of man? Or should we live by the unwritten code of pleasing man? To pursue our dreams with the way of treating people in a specific manner to promote ourselves? Or to simply pursue a life of a hermit, simply pursuing God and believe in His providence purely, without going out into the world and clambering for prosperity and fame?

Three very different ideas. Three worlds apart. In all that mess, one man had to experience all three. I would term him the crux of the novel. How does man react to all these ideas? Or rather, how an inquisitive man of thoughts, traverse upon each of the ideas? To live a life of absentminded, otherworldly principles? Or a life committed to hermitage? Or simply climbing the ladder of power and near the center of fame and prosperity? Or simply live for oneself in quite solitude?

Man cannot answer it. And won't be able to in our capacity to think. All this man made ideals come crashing at the face of a reality.

Love itself. Love exposed all that to the test of truth. Which does each stand? In all the characters in the novel, or even our real world, love is the one thing that strings humans together. Love that wreck all sorts of carnage, that spews all sorts of living principles. Only one prevailed. That of agape, the true love of God.

Is love painful? Yes, in the face of surmounting evil and betrayal, to love at the face of prevailing confusion is audacity itself. How can we love those who betrayed us? How should we love? The thin line of obsession. The whole story wraps round relationships. The fact that of its confusion and the search of true love that drives mankind in its knees.

It is painful. But when we obtain eternal love itself, the pain is worth it. The key is to trust, to trust the fact that God loves us and will never leave us. It is we who leaves Him. That pains Him for the love He has for us.

Some people may say, true love is indescribable. Yes, because God is indescribable. True love is not only to delve into the world and simple do great things in charity, not only to live a life so pure that days are spent simply to not sin, not only to speak and spread out the word of God. Yes, all these are important, but if the heart does not have the love of God in us, all those are obsolete. Nothing can be done.

Even to suffer emotion pains for someone in pain, to suffer physical pain to rescue the world, all become worthless and a waste without the love of God.

That love doesn't destroys but builds. Yes, it may crush, but for the better. Life becomes much more fruitful. Sometimes God crushes us and our idea of God, to show you the real image of Him. We won't be the super positive people, neither sad people for our lives, but simply calmness. The peace in Him, neither too optimistic nor pessimistic. Just there.

I've experience pain. No, it was never that bad. I never felt for another that deeply. This time, it was a bang. Yes, one of the rare moments in life, the ones that change perspective. It really hit me hard, crushing my views of love, only to search through a novel. As if God is directing me, telling me, look into it once more, what do you see? The emotional wreck came into the final stages of silent meditations. What exactly is love? Is it to feel the pain, and drink them in? To love and yet suffer as unrequited love? To never expect returns of a love given? I want to love, but is the price so high? Or is it my error of loving?

I tried to love in the way how Jesus loved. And find it tough. Again, the parallel idea in the novel. The parallel emotions of love. It felt like betrayal. It felt like undeserved suffering. But in the end, Prince Andrei, the main character experienced that love in deathbed, the love freely given, not expecting anything since death is imminent, just love. He had his share of pain, death of wife, disillusionment in war. Grudges build, but fall only in front of agape, true love. Forgiveness flowed.

There. Love. Forgiveness. Are we to do so too? Am I to do so?

Night, a night of thoughts. The storm churns out once again, a topic I tried to keep away. A topic i thought i knew, but realise, no, i know nothing. Again, God is indescribable. And God is love.

Love

2010-11-30T11:55:00.005+08:00

What is it like to truly love someone? Would it be like the love projected in so many love stories, romantic, complete with beaches and sunsets? Or like action movies, the prince sweeps the princess off their feet? Or like some flicks, full of passion and end up in bed after barely knowing each other?

That isn't love. It is simply passion and lust. It is a shame to call that love at all! Love trampled to the level of what man can decipher with our bodies and carnal emotions. Emotions but empty.

What truly is love then? Definitely its more then just sex. Its more than just feeling comforted and having someone to lean on. Its more than simply enjoying the sunset with her hand in yours.

Or else love will never be so highly valued, throughout the world, a universal feeling that all man feel even in the times where there is simply no contact at all from east to west.

Because it is unattainable, but able to be pursued by all.

Unattainable not because it costs money, but its subtle nature. A fine line between obsession and lust. It needs a pure motive, a pure heart to pursue that love. Doesn't want to own, but to give out love. It does not look simply at intellect or looks, doesn't demand for money or even sex. Doesn't flare up when things aren't agreeable. Doesn't demand any lovey-dovey actions, but deep down in the heart the love is there. The feeling of calmness, never fearing the lost of love, but simply trust all the way, hope all the way. Yet never anguishing over lost love, letting go of it but still loving, knowing all man are weak and fallen. Not self-destructing oneself (A sign of fearing of lost) a sign of obsessed in the pursue of that love. Not worrying about betrayal as pure love never fears but accepts, continues to love even if they hurt, yet letting go of the pain and continue to love others.

In short, its such a high aim that i believe i only scratched the tip of the iceberg.

Again and again, people are hurt by 'love', anguishing over break ups and inflicting self-harm. Why is that so? Why does it happen?

Cause the love isn't what real love is. Its simply obsessions. Why anguish? Why we couldn't let go? Some people love to own something, to own a good feeling, to own a love. Once someone tries to own it, to attain a feeling that someone cares, it breaks down into obsession, trying to own love. Love itself is giving, self sacrificing. If it morphs into a possession, it becomes darkened. We will try to obtain it, try to keep it save.

It will simply escape your hand. Love is all about giving, giving freely, giving without any terms and conditions, giving without expecting something in return. Giving without anguish, but simply love.

Oh yes, its very naive. Its lofty. But pursuing such a love is the only way to heal.

Yes, obsession. Its hard to wean it off. It will need effort, and needs friends. No point keeping it to yourself.

That's how God loves us. It is only when we have a source of pure love, a love that never requires anything but to love back Him. Only with that source can we sucessfully love others. True, we are all sinners and fallen, thus we will keep getting hurt by "love". But with the love God has, agape, true love itself, will that hurt be healed. We keep falling, but a love keeps us up.

Pain can train a person up. To be more sensitive, but constantly dwelling in it, in a pursue of obtaining love again is not good. Love never will own, but to give, with no prerequisite, conscious or unconscious..

Memorable

2010-11-26T11:24:00.002+08:00

What makes a place memorable? Its breathtaking scenary? Or the emotional investment in it?

A tantalizing question which can heal, I hope, some people.

All of us have memorable trips and excursions. Be it local or national, each of these trips are hard to forget and hardly forgotten throughout our whole lives. The obvious could have been honeymoons or excursions with our intimates. Some may be occasions of great change or understanding. Some may simply be a time of reflection and reaching out to the unknown. To God.

Not forgetting times of great tribulations. Of painful memories. Of lost and guilt.

All in all, each place incites a feeling in us.

Yet in a logical sense, each place is simply just a place. KLCC simply just one of the tallest buildings in the world, Maldives one of the best beaches. Sipadan the best dive site. It is concrete, physical place that we can see. Beautiful, stunning, yes.

In reality, a place that is memorable, a trip remembered isn't always a posh, peaceful, incredibly beautiful place. Some may never gone to these extreme places, but find simple kampungs or simply a picnic outside the house memorable.

So what makes a place memorable? A place itself? Or the emotional tag we place on it?

A physical place, lets say, Maldives, has soft sandy beaches, stunning sunsets and crystal clear water. It should be inherently so beautiful that it incites a feel, an emotion, a life changing sweep in the mind altogether. What if someone breaks up in that paradise? Does it change the pain? Does it heal all that pain better then, let's say, Taman Tasik Titiwangsa?

Or simply a picnic outside your house, simply a place you have been everyday. It shouldn't give any specialty to it, but if someone proposed to you there, would it be any less memorable than in Maldives?

To me, what makes a place memorable depends on what emotions we invest in that particular place. A memorable trip doesn't need to be a stunningly beautiful place. It simply is memorable on what emotions we tag unto it. In a sense, we make a place memorable, not what a place enforce unto us.

With a grip of this simple truth, lets see why does it matter.

Good memories obviously they would want it. Bad memories buried in the mind, but it resurfaces from time to time. Good or bad, its all the same. Many dwell in such memories. Simply said, living in the past.

Our brain is incredible. It is a logical yet emotional mind. It stores up everything we seen and heard, but we don't recall of it. An occasional memorable event is like a stimulant. It brings out many feelings, thoughts and emotions. It sweeps over the mind, inciting change, seemingly slicing and leaving scars. It can be for good or for worse.

Yet as man are always, when faced with new challenges and new obstacles, we tend to think of the good old days, the memories of the past. The good times we had, and simply say, "Won't it be good if it were the past...". I do not deny that sometimes reminiscing the past is a good thing. To remember the past as a push for the future. Sadly, some of us dwell too far into those memories. It may be to escape the reality of life, or to seek attention, intentionally or otherwise. Whatever it is, dwelling in all that is like a drug. It desensitizes you to what is around you. Blows problems out of proportion. Ignore the love people have for you.

We try to recall the love others had for us in that distant past. We dwell in it, trying to find the good feelings we had then. Have we not forget these are just memories? A ghost of a distant past that cannot communicate to us as real humans. Love that has became a was. It will become a cage, a cage of the past, of love that turned into obsession, imaginary 'love' that simply is a demon in the mind.

Another is the ghost of failure past. The memories of shame and guilt. It shadows each of us throughout our lives. The key to defeat? I believe its the same. Feel the love around. Live now, not the past. Think now, not the memories. What you can do now, not what you can't do then. If we thought of when we were babies, we won't be able to walk! Each time we walk we would think of the failures in past tries.

No, we can't evade it. Live now. Not yesterday. God never asked us to remember everything we have done and have them recited to Him. He said, trust in Him, as even the birds in the sky never worry about food. Don't worry, for tomorrow has its worries and today is enough to get through. Even the past is to be left to what it really is.

Its hard to fling off the past, but maybe try to feel the love around you now. The friends you have now. We are not cows to regurgitate, but to travel on in the trust that God has something more. No use getting afraid that we will lose our chance...

War and Peace

2010-11-22T11:10:00.002+08:00

"War and Peace", a masterpiece of Tolstoy depicting the times of the Napoleanic wars in Russia.

What struck me was the whole description to the very core and emotions of man, common man and ordinary life in its preciseness.

Finally, to see each of us play a part, albeit small, in the history of man. No matter from personal to global. Like the intricate mechanism of a clock, we are like the cogs and wheels, constantly whirring, pushed by another pulley or belt, turning each piece according to the unknown rhythm.

Life is like that, pushed by God, yet never knew how it works.
Only God knows.

Light

2010-11-05T11:52:00.003+08:00

Man's long standing obsession and fascination of light is a known fact. Since the dawn of man, we have been searching for light. The giant fireball of the sky, illuminating every nook and cranny of the world inspired man to search for it. Fire is then introduced, not simply to warm, but to imitate that gigantic light source that awed man for its seemingly life giving potential.

Man noticed the fact that light seem to magically transform seemingly dead, barren land into lush vegetation. Light streaming into every corner gave warmth and energy to forage the world. For that, it was revered as a god. In every religion, every culture, light has been portrayed as the gift by the greatest of all gods.

Delving into all such intrigue, it is interesting to note that whenever light is involved, it is almost always related to the defeating of darkness. The Hindu laws state that. Greek mythology note that. Even our mainstream believes inculcates that. Light always wins darkness.

So why exactly man thought of such things? Why fear the darkness and why light to defeat it? What is the core of these values?

I believe, the believe of light and hatred to darkness part of man's silent intuitive feeling, the ingrained thought we all find in the depths of the soul.

Darkness has always been equated to evil and vileness. The dark core of the world. The reason we associate darkness and evil, coherent throughout mankind is that in build reflex, the conscience that reminds us of evilness. Our own vileness and sordidness. The expression of that fear is the very reason we humans advance by civilisations. So darkness, without a doubt, makes us afraid, afraid of ourselves.
Ironically, at times we want it to be dark, to do things unseen by people. This love-hate relationship for darkness is a never ending struggle of man. Some succumb to it, and many strive to break away.

Which comes to the very contrast of darkness: light. When darkness hides and engulf everything in its belly, light penetrates and dazzles all. When darkness shuts out all hope and anyone in it, light reverberates and reveals the people who have been around us, supporting us. The voice in us tells us this, somehow small spark in the mind guiding us to one very tantalizing solution: search for the light.

I believe, it is this reason that many mystics, priest and the common folks of the past to present each try to search for the ultimate source of light and with finality drive off this certain darkness. Festivals commemorate each dream or pursue of such edifying and relieving force.

I believe, the light has already been there. God has been knocking at our doors and say, hey, there is such a light and I'm giving it for free. Come and receive, and it shall be yours. I cannot stand out and use words or any thesis to prove such a thing, but I believe, God is knocking on each of us, and it is up to us to open the door.

In this Festival of Light, I wish all a Happy Deepavali and to search deeper for such a light, question and listen, if the door of your heart is ringing.

Morality. Part 2

2010-10-16T21:22:00.002+08:00

Last week, the fallibility of morality.

Which is why people keep questioning, why do what is right? If it was flawed, why be polite to others, or to a simpler example, why not we litter everywhere we go?

Or to the gray areas of life.

Why not live in with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Why not have sex before marraige? Why not take drugs and ecstasy? Why not club till late night?

Although I cannot say that all these are done simply because people don't see the point of being a "good" person, but deep in their hearts, they realise it. The fact that many in this world are seen "righteous" externally, but in the heart they don't believe so, only to appear at times of desperation or passion.

I'd rather people openly rebelling and showing their im-moral-ness then hiding inside and pretending we are one without understanding it.

It is sad that whatever we teach in moral classes today simply don't show why moral are made anyways.

So is being upright and moral simply a farce? Or there is no point in doing good?

I believe that there is a reason to be morally upright. There is a reason to do good to the people, to others. To sacrifice for the betterment of others, of the world. And that the naivety of this lofty aim is not some dream of children. No, it comes from a much more matured heart.

Let's rewind to the question of morals. If we look through the moral textbook that most of us have, or at least flipped the first page, we encounter many values (yes, the who knows how many nilai's). Like honouring you parents, helping the helpless etc. Nearly all of them don't really benefit ourselves, even those that do, in the end benefit not only you. But others. In a nutshell, it is to sacrifice oneself to the world.

So why should we sacrifice ourselves?

Sacrificing oneself to the world is a very noble act. The act of denying ourselves, our own comfort zone to reach out into the abyss, recklessly plunging into the deep trench of misery and pain. It is agonizing, ripping our souls to see such horror and abysmal terror in the eyes of people. It is so noble that all that we do, is for the people, not for us.

Such an act that is so pure and just, it can't be fallible right? How can it be the moral that many have seen as fallible?

The very reason is that there is something higher. A higher spirit, a perfect being to trust on.

Many who sacrifice themselves don't purposely live by a moral code. They don't have a list that says, "I must help orphanages, I must help rebuild broken down houses." or even simpler ones, like"I would not cheat in exams" They WILLINGLY choose to be good. To do good. To be morally upright.

Here is the key. To willingly choose to believe in moral.

Now it is a choice, not a code of law, another question pop out.

Choices are made with a solid reason. We choose the best handphones cause they have more functions. We choose to study hard to have better grades in exam. We choose to exercise to keep ourselves healthy.

All these are solid reasons to do it.

But in the case of moral, do we? From the options before, its easy to see that, sadly, all the reasons are selfish and fall off when adversity strikes. Not a very attractive deal to believe in.

That is because, that isn't the truth to act morally.

The very reason moral has been passed down from generation to generation is not to be applauded by man, is not to protect ourselves and reciprocity of consequences. No, it is the fact that humans are fallible. That man is imperfect and essentially despicable. We are sinful creatures that grovel in the filth we are.

And the act of sacrifice will give us a glimpse of what perfectness is. What holiness is. What purity is. What real love is.

That small voice in the mind that nags us to realise that purity and holiness is possible. That there is a higher being with that perfectness, one that is timeless....

God did not order us to obey his rules. We can choose to obey or not to obey. He placed that small voice in us to tell us, hey, holiness is possible. So being morally upright and just is to see God. To experience God. He did not say, if you don't do what is right, then you will never be in heaven. No, all He said is, realise your own sinfulness, repent to God, believing in His mightiness and His forgiveness, and we shall be saved. We shall be cleansed of all sin.

It is from there that the very reason to be morally upright justifies itself. That the possibility of doing what is right for the sake of what is right isn't a silly idea, but one of the highest order of the day. The fact that pure and uncorrupted motives can exist. That being good, being just, being holy is perfectly possible.

Have you glimpsed that righteousness? Think about it.

Morality

2010-10-09T10:28:00.001+08:00

Have you ever wondered why do we uphold morals? Why we are reluctant to harm others, or even kill others to attain something that we desire? Or why are we civilised?

Sifting through the crests and troughs of history, we find a paradox that seemingly blurs the whole search to prove morality. The barbaric times saw to the cruelty of man. Where each will kill of the other if they obstruct them to attain a certain aim for survival, such as food, water, salt and sort. And they give no leeway, killing of women and children, innocent but potentially the source of revenge. The carnal instinct of man was overwhelming.

Contrast it with us. We don't go round slashing people's wives because they threaten our business venture. Or kill someones children for blocking your front gate with their car.

So what is the difference?

At first look, there is a belief that has been inculcated amongst the people. Or rather the civilised people. The belief that is so overwhelming that we are complied not to kill for fun. Or slash for certain gains.

It is morality.

So how morality came about? What does it implies on us?

Look through history, morality came into picture when great civilisations were born. The Egyptians, Sumerians, Chinese and Indus. Their build great cities, set out new type of economies. And most importantly, brought in an idea that I believe influenced the human history of the next few millenia: the idea of morality.

The morality we know came about by a notion: we will not do to others what we don't want people to do to us. We don't kill because we don't want people to do it to us. We don't steal as we don't want people to steal from us. A notion that can only be born when humans are in close contact. Great civilisations saw to the population boom in the city-states of that time. From the great roaming tribes, they evolved to stay put, with the specialisation of functions. Some became blacksmith, some businessman, some leaders, some slaves. It is in this complex society, people find that going on killing and slashing as before does not benefit either side, so thus morality is born.

But morality in this sense could not last. As much as humans do care for their own benefits, they too abandon such morality when situations get bad or environment threatening. Look at how mobs happen when the country collapse, how robberies and looting happened after Katrina. The fallen human regresses at such pressure.

This shows morality flawed. We need it to keep societies intact, yet it is prone to collapse, destroying the very society we created.

It is because of such flawness in morality that laws are made. The Romans clearly knew that without law, morality falls easily. So they set up laws. Laws to prevent looting. To prevent murder. To police the nations. To prevent any wrongdoing.

But the Roman empire degraded even with law.

So what happened?

The Romans believed in law and order, similar to many of us today. We believe that the law will protect us, the law will prevent collapse. But sadly, we always hear the saying, laws are meant to be broken. The very reason this saying persists through ages is the very fact that, again, law fails. We see human trafficking, we see drug abuse, we see genocides, we see tyrannies. Laws broken and even as a tool of abuse.

The problem with laws is the very fact of its structure and subjectiveness. Humans, again their instincts, don't like to be limited. Like a sheep that always feel that the grasses outside is greener, we love 'freedom'. But not knowing that the grasses outside may be the worse we ever tasted. Laws are like physical pens, the ones we see not only the fence, but the outside grasses too. The laws tells you the don'ts, but we wonder, what if we do it? What if we break it? Is it really that bad? The structure of law is like that rigid fence, with the size of the empty spaces, no matter how tiny it is. The fence that we can see through. The more we get used to the fence, we too get used to seeing the outside.

Subjectivity. The laws we see are made by man. Thus it is subject to the minds of people. I may say that I feel that abortion should be banned, but others say no. However, the law caters to the majority and of course, how the lawmakers feel. Try proposing this to our government, we may not get pass. If to certain countries, they may pass it. So no one can really say which is right or wrong. And those who oppose, will continue to oppose. Morality based on that is never stable.

So there is no foolproof basis for morality. Is there?

We need morality. It is the key way that humans are not extinct here. Without it, our world will be a savage place. People killed for no reason. Knowledge and wisdom stunted due to now principles of moral. Advancement stalled as no one wants to advance the world, for the benefit of all...

Wait for the next post.

Blog

2010-10-01T16:34:00.002+08:00

Ok. It's one month since i wrote anything. As a person who only writes when it is necessary, I must say, this month has been a hectic one. Refinding myself in ways i never thought possible.

That's all. Till i have something to write again..

Merdeka. Are we?

2010-08-31T22:23:00.003+08:00

Surfing the net and the powerful media called Facebook, I find a rather disturbing but baffling case that seem to threaten our society again and again.

Racism.

The current case of Namewee, the squabbles about threatening people to go back to their "home country" and sort, it rips apart our society to see dark undercurrent that resurfaces time to time, and vanishes a few months later, as if nothing happened.

Ah, is it?

On this night of the 53rd year of independence, it is high time we separate the heat of the moment with the cool logic that has been the driving force of humanity.

I don't want to merely talk about the people involved. I want to decipher the people and their reactions.

Looking up in Facebook, at the comments on this issue, it is obvious to see few side of the spectrum. The hardcore who will scream in delight that this is a prove that the Malays are bent on chasing us out, and the other side who feel that we are simply over reacting. And of course, the people who feel that Namewee has gone overboard for going on this sensitive issue.

Lets look into both sides before we enter a conclusion.

In the case of the hardcore, they slam on that yes, these Malays are very evil. They want Chinese out of this nation and feel the Chinese have no rights. Infuriated by that feeling, these hardcore mistrust all Malays, stereotype them all as Chinese haters and sorts. They love to pick at any mistakes, even the slip of tongue, using them as proof to call on the Chinese to protect their own rights. The fire in them to protect all Chinese rights for the Malays can at anytime rob them away.

On the other side, they argue that hey, we can't paint everyone all black or all white. Yes, there are those who seem offended that the Chinese are here, but there are out there Malays who feel otherwise, and they are the majority. All this argument over the song is just a misunderstanding.

And of course, the people who feel that nothing would have gone wrong if neither side had to say what they said. The Hm for her remarks and Namewee for his song. It is inherently insensitive and all should go under the law.

All three sides. And a very tantalizing thought.

Off all cases, we have to agree in one thing. All that has happened has happened. No one can change that fact. But what can be changed is how we think of that incident.

For me, I feel all these has be exaggerated by certain groups. Our society by and large has already accepted one another. Yes, there will always people who will still want to separate each race, but most of us don't mind what race we are anyway. So the problem of people actually shouting to call for Chinese to go back to China is just the minority making noises. Should have been a small case and that it can be solved amiably.

Why then did the controversy exploded?

Easy. From the words of man. I read an account from Audacity of Hope by Obama. Once, while a black congressman was speaking, a white congressman noted to him that although he does not feel anything against the black, but when that black spoke, it made him feel that offense against the black.

Same here. I do not agree with what the hm did, but neither do i agree with what many Chinese on the net have been expounding on. They come out telling people of the stupidity of another race, saying that they are racist and we are protecting our own right. Little did they know that it is what THEY say that actually infuriates the other to be defensive. The theory is simple. When one threatens anothers most intimate connections, like our very heritage, it pushes them to be defensive.

This is why some Malays want to point at the Chinese and saying them as enroaching their rights. And same on the other way. THe chinese to the Malays

So whats wrong?

We are NOT thinking. That's the problem. Face it, this is just a small case and not a big one.

I call for truth. Not the twisted but the truth of all truth.

HOw can we live peacefully? If only we all can be sane and logical.

I heard this long time ago. We may be physically have independence, but the mind still is stuck the yesteryears.

No, even that is an insult to the older generation.

Silence

2010-08-03T21:48:00.002+08:00

Till now, I am still hit by this book. Silence, by Shusaku Endo

I would not spoil the book, but I will simply ask, where will I go from here?

God said, I can be silent. But in fact He isn't. A paradox. Silence in our terms in without hearing a thing. But He never was. Think of every small part of your life. You will hear Him. That is His voice. Still small voice.

I'll listen to that.

Fear: Journey

2010-07-19T20:50:00.003+08:00

How far have I went in this topic? Ever since I started to learn driving. Yes.

Why so? It is just the fact that I cannot swallow my inadequacy. I cannot forget the shadows of the days of fear, or fearing elders, on fearing decisions, on fearing scoldings and anger, on fearing not making the cut, from fearing of wastage.

In short, fearing that the world is finite.

In truth, it is.

The world that I live in is as common as each of us. With all that fear of losing, for not surviving. That we will in a way "die" when we couldn't attain a desirable end that seem to mean life and death. Or at least it seems. Losing out in scholarships meant the end of a glorious degree, condemned to the rut of society. Loss in academics meant in the lost of any chance to dream big. Loss in competition meant no more competition to be competed for losing badly.

In short, telling us, stop dreaming big. Just be realistic, you'll never be great.

In this sad mentality, partnering with shadows of the past, the gritty little devils called discouragement start massing and encumbered us with all its number. To protect ourselves, we try to "lay low" and "stay incognito". Or simply live life simply, without thought of any future.

At least this happened to me. A melting pot of losses and traumatic events that made me the reluctant dreamer, defeated by my own soul, panic in new situations and the best, keep myself in a clam so tight that no one can see through. Ah yes, no one to see that sore part, the better. Complain about external factors, protect that soft interior.

But I'm changed. God's miracle did not end.

I was, as noted, a guy that is bogged down by the unnumbered amount of fear. Whatever I do was to fulfill one part of fear. Debate for the fear of not mattering. Academics for the fear of parents. CO posts for the fear of not doing what I "should". Telling Christ for fearing not doing what God wants. Driving without mistakes for the fear of being scolded.

Yet many a times I find fear so much an irony. It started conflicting. Fear parents or fear the loss of friends? Fear over-exertion of fear of not making a name? Fear against fear doesn't work. In the past, simplistic fears push me to the highest. When fears, too many of them conflict each other, I panic. And all my panic attacks came into being, losing marks in exam for no reason. Losing cool in debate for no reason. Losing stability in driving.

Yes, I prayed about this. This was what I feared. I fear God's reply. Oh yes....

So I embarked on the new year. NS did teach me a lot about acceptance, more importantly, friends that God will use mightily. In a way, a prelude. My restless 2 months taught me God is the only constant. A foundation where to find my strength. And driving lessons. The place that God put me face to face to what I always fear: elders of the traditional scolding types. The types that you learn never to question authority, no matter what harm. And that made me nervous, people shouting at me. It was that fear that ferried me through many situations, from primary, secondary until now. I still shudder at the fact of meeting teachers in office, simply because of authority.

As I faced that daunting task, God did not let me helpless. I scoured for books. On fear. On scriptures. God's guidance through books, through people, through many sources that I may never realised.

From a great friend that God used to remind me His providence. Abigail. Seriously, another miracle that took so long to answer, but nevertheless, God answered. A friend whom God will use. Who understands that soft part of me, the insecure but sadly true part of me. The part where panic floods me...She will take in that full part with compassion....

So here goes, I read Chesterton to know that faith can be analytical. I read Dostoevsky to realise crime of all levels is still crime, and God alone forgives all crime, all and all....

God told me: I forgive you. Go!

Go. And I went. And I don't regret.

I felt all this in the driving exam. Passed. Yes, a triumph. But not simply driving. But also the soul. Released from the bondage of fear.

Praise be to GOD!

Fear: Blessed

2010-07-09T21:05:00.005+08:00

From the depths of pain and desperation, God does speak.

And He spoke.

Fear. Fear drove me on and on, until it reached a peak that my body says stop. No longer able to sustain the energy sapping life of fear, I collapsed. The vigour and passion turned into despair and numbness. Nothing excites, nothing pushes me.

For indefinite time, I've tasted that pain. Yes, from time to time, I still do feel the presence of God. I felt the release, the closeness. Yet at times, God seem to be separated from me. That I'm in a glass beaker and trapped. The tube of circumstances.

Or at least that is what I felt.

What I did not realised was the possibility of me refusing to switch on my transmitter. To open the cover. To listen to Him.

He has been trying to speak to me. He has been telling me of His plans. But it is I who did not listen. It is I who did not want to approach Him. It is I who hid my antenna and wallow in the pain of silence.

Listening is an art. Listening to God is life.

So I tried. Like I experimented of the flowing of the Holy Spirit sometime ago. This time, God opened my ears. I heard His voice, albeit still, albeit quiet, but still His voice.

Go. Go and do what I've wanted to do. He has blessed me to do it. And off I go. I listened. I searched for debaters, and found people who can, by His nudging and too many "accidents" to be simply shrugged off. God spoke and I listened.

He called me to pray for people. Oh yes, I prayed. What outcome? I wouldn't know.

What's next? The call for what?

I'll await His call. It may be small. It may be big. But a call nonetheless.

Fear: Release

2010-06-22T20:42:00.002+08:00

Two weeks.

After two weeks of torturous time with fear, I finally found what I've missed. Frankly, the many things that fright me out of my wits was the very things that drew me back to the source of all strength.

God.

Yes, I found myself helpless. Laid all bare to God, as a final resort. I left all control and let him do the rest.

And He did.

He reminded me that it was I who wanted to change. So much so it was I too who pray for renewal. And that was what I got exactly. Who says its easy? It was never. It was exactly that dose of hardship, no matter how small that taught me not to fear. Fear is just another of the Devil's ploy to get rid of people actively searching for God. Or just life. That is how serious it was.

I can't say I'm rid of all that, but I dare to say, at least I'm still afloat. I have many things I fear. Fear of image, fear of not doing good enough. It is time to divert all to God. Yes.

I'm worried I've not done enough to keep people in the class. As class rep, I do seem to have that responsibility. Drilled since my days in CHCO. So, is it mine to care?

I'll pray.

We'll see.

And God will do something.....

Fear : Past

2010-06-03T16:41:00.002+08:00

How many of us truly have dissected ourselves? How many have noticed our own emotions? How many have tunneled into the depths of our hearts to know who we are?

Honestly, not many.

Yet what I learnt in the past months told me another story: that in order for one to prosper, one has to know ourselves. And why we are who we are.

I have this carnal fear of being scolded. With no reason, I do tremble and stutter in front of teachers and lecturers. I seem to be overwhelmed by nervousity when times aren't easy and I am on the brink of falling. I tend to be a follower, waiting for initiative.
...

Why? Why am I so? I watched so many people. Sucessful, confident. I feel that the " applauds " that were given to me is empty. Like a beautiful tin can with only a thin foil holding its beauty. People say I am smart, but I feel it like a shifting sand, that one day that " smartness" would be punctured and the real me flows out. I fear myself, that one day I give away that idioticness in me.

Well, its a feeling I hid behind gates of a gigantic fotress built for many years, only to be torn down in 5 months. Now, I feel what I should feel. Raw nerves rubbed on with salt. Pain.

So who am I? Why do I fear?
I slowly unravel the floating bits of memory in me. The fact that I've always never dared to oppose anyone. The fact that I live on the laws of others, they defining what I should be. Never failed to appease, to agree. Always to sacrifice my own. Getting all worked up over things unperfect, even way past things that happened. It is torturous, always on the run from the shadows I imagined myself. Yes, in the shell of a confident fellow, a heart that is wondering and bleeding constantly. The mood swings and indecisiveness.

I am embarking on a journey of my past. Revisiting painful memories made painful due to the present phobias. The times where I was weighed down by indecisiveness and fears. The self-punishing acts of mental tortours I gave myself. The expectations of people moulded into my responsibility. In every bit. The killing of my free mind to the mundane times of the so called "disciplines". I became a vengeful spirit that hids all in the recesses of the mind and the pages of the diaries.
Ah. trying to face myself.

I don't want to say that all is my fault. Obviously the family and school and friends and all round me influenced my. My terrifying music classes, even to the absurd fear of classes then did add pain to the fear I have when I was scolded. The school teachers. The family, not demanding, but expecting something. It may have been not as I've thought, but certainly it changed my views and finally made me feel that everyone expects me to be the best in every single thing. Yes, pressures I placed myself, but it came, or exaggerated by those experiences, like a life-sapping bug that may ultimately kill me.

I always wanted someone to tell all this, but once again, I couldn't spell out during the times of turmoil.

I'm still tortured. But this time I know who am I facing. The usual sayings of how to leave the past and forget doesn't seem to work. I trust God will do something. Its been this wonderful theory I'm trying to believe, that all these came after NS for a reason. The fact that I slid into the busy hectic and panicky self of Form 3 in the camp. The two long months of thinking and thinking and thinking. The books I read. The people I meet.

I don't know. I can feel proud, but somehow my mind tells me not to. Throws up all this memories. I wonder, am I to struggle like a wounded soldier on a glorious battle, always with this sore? Or is it meant to be faced.
...

A World of Possibilities

2010-05-18T21:11:00.002+08:00

Where am I now?

Somewhere in a place that seem not to awake from its sleepiness and seem so inert in a way. No passion, nothing, like passing through a corridor for 2 minutes of your life.

Why? Why stay so?

I don't want to complain, no. Nor will I denounce a place as so. Sure, I love the peaceful atmosphere, but maybe it can be improved. Something can be done.

What?

For a guy who has been in the action for years, sitting quietly don't seem natural to me. The inactivity seem to overwhelm the place. Only certain blips of voices to be heard.

So where am I to go? Follow the flow or fight the waves?

God prepared me for this decision. He sent me to S'wak NS camp, just to be taught a lesson of letting go and passion. He sent me into the world of debate to to teach me I'm not to be afraid, anymore.

Here I am in a new world. So prevalent in that world the status quo of laying low. Of simply accepting the world it presented. Yet no one wants to break the rigid scaffoldings we assume are already set up. Or rather to escape the so called troubles and hardships we may face.

Face it, we won't we kept in that "I don't care" world for long. For just one reason.

The world won't stop there even if we wish for it. It will force us to face new possibilities at every corner of our lives.

I am footing for debate. Of course, in this new environment, it'll take inhuman strength to get people who are interested. It'll take insanity to change the world.

But the greatest of man done that. Alone. Jesus started off alone. It was later that his disciples follow. It takes an initiative, a spark.

Of course, as in Physics, you'll need something to produce a spark. Energy. Similarly, to electrify the world, you'll need gargantuan effort. I won't mind.

I believe God will say yes to that. He is, as always, the provider. There is something more to our world then just lay low.

We want revival in this country, but currently, there are too many people in complacency...........................................

Even me.

A thought

Friends

2010-05-01T14:29:00.005+08:00

I've always thought of writing a tribute. Long dragged on project. Yet out of this mess, I've come to realise one thing, it was already done all along.

Thoughts of a night in dreams

I've been lucky to meet all sorts of people. Many from different worlds, different societies, even to different nations. All converge into one. All interconnected, all at one point. I remember years ago, I came to a conclusion: we are like lines, lines that are overlapped by each other, each point of convergence is a similarity we have to each other, places or people that we meet. Actions, activities that we love and are passionate. Each dot a chance of a lifetime.

People say that friends are one of the reason why we even want to live. No man is an island. It is an essential part of who we are, what we are and why we live. The refreshing fountain of spring water that flows, that awakens, that alerts and quenches our thirst. Our lives. That, is the very essence of life.

Each fountain brings its own meaning. Some are cold yet refreshing, from time to time reminds us of who we are and where we are. Some are warm and soothing, wrapping our souls in a warmth that melts any pain and suffering that besets us. Some create waves, waves that take us through its passion and strength. Some calm, the surface like a mirror without a ripple, reflecting us as us.

Ah, how magnificent a thought! My friends of primary school, classmates and close friends have been hidden in the recesses of the mind. Many lost and seemingly impossible to regain contacts. Many have sailed their way into the successes of their lives. Many fought their ways of life. I am happy. Happy to see success. Happy that they are where they are. But sad in a way. Me drifting away. Away from so many that a finally replaced by a whole new team. Of people.

As i sail into secondary school, i find another different ocean. One of a rougher seas, one of a competitive stream. The gang of them, all of them just simply reminds me: to be successful, we have to fight to live. All the top scorers, excellent people of their own fields are the models I emulate. I follow to live. It is tough. I may be jealous, envious, even struggle against such things. Yet this cold fountain shocks we, awakens me, revitalises me to the very fact of life. Of what I want needs to have efforts. And friends that work together for the common goal.

Not to forget CHCO. The whole miracle of a journey, from friendship to managing, to teaching and learning. The melody drift to the ears, friendships bloom and mature. Springs of warmth and passion take me into a different journey.

Debate. The on going passion for debate. And friends made, challenging the mind and logic.

Such springs are hard to find. Hard to forget. Continually flow......unmarked, unabashed.

NS. The time and place, the inevitable aquaintances. This fountain of warm running, fast flowing rapids urges me back to where I was, who I am. Reconnecting to the society. To the world after a dreamy 5 years. All of those fountains, however insignificant taught me the very reason to stay cool: life isn't just about shooting for the stars, but staying rooted in God, stuck to the very reason Jesus came to this earth. People. To meet them, to fellowship, to share, ultimately, to live...

Rejoice! Rejoice that the Lord has provided me avenues of fountains! The many uncounted, unseen friendships yet to come. Yet to be deep. Yet to be ventured. Where the pools of sparkling spring water, and exquisite fountains of life, may it be of gold or of clay, each are the beautiful carvings of God, that is a gift to each and everyone to be with Him.

Not to forget, no matter the looks, elegant nor modest, it always serves its greatest role, to provide a refreshing drink for all to steer clear of the filth of this world.

Hmm......Why now?

2010-04-28T15:22:00.001+08:00

It may sound weird, but somehow I'm getting people from the past. And knowing what they are doing right now.
Of course, through that website called Facebook.
LOL

I'm wondering, what's next? Usually when something like that happens, it means something is going to happen. What? Who knows?
Even people i met only once.
Worse, the first time I went for competition for the primary school.
Met one when i was Form 1. Another by the realisation that.
My.
A different future.
Have I talked about the intersecting lines of humanity? Where if we carefully trace, we can clearly see what happens, and that we are somehow connected in a peculiar way.

Plans and Times

2010-04-19T11:54:00.004+08:00

Days.
Pass by.
Without a trace.
Without a sound.

When
Will we behold.
Our lives uncontrolled?
Our plans imperfect?

When
Will we admit.
We never know?
We never control?

Who
Is to determine.
Our lives?
Our future?

Who
Is to foresee
The days of our lives,
numbered?

Trust
The God above
Will lead us through
The day beyond.

Repercussion

2010-04-09T11:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, why am I what people see I am? That mad guy who always have a notebook by his side, always busy, always doing something?

Why do I always feel the urge to do "something" and cannot stand sitting still?

And why it makes me always pent up, yet having the energy to run.

I realised one thing.

I am scared of consequences. Rather.

Repercussions.

Since my time in school, the main push for me to excel is the fear of being looked down, of being scolded, of being criticised by people. I fear being scolded for not doing a good job, of not securing good results, of being compared and losing to it. I push myself to the limit, trying to do everything, to get everything. To overtake people.

Time and time again I do not get it. Cannot overcome.

The pain, the agony, the melancholy.

I am scared of failure. And its consequences. Or the imaginary repercussions. Being looked down, being labeled as a failure, losing people's trust. Yes, pride do have its play here, however fear usually consumes me more than that.

I panic when I fail. Miserable when things aren't as expected. Feeling guilty when not meeting my sky high aims.

Since then, it has become a habit. A habit of wanting to do everything right. Having all the right methods to excel. I study, I observe those I deemed successful and will do everything to imitate them. I try to control everything, my habit, my ways. I kept all sort of notes, of writings, of books just to know everything. Obsession with every minute detail of my life.

Obviously, it won't work. It cannot prevent the unknown from happening, that perfect planning always go awry.

That lead to a growth of what I fear the most.

Choices.

I want to do all the right choice. In the face to choosing what to do and where to go, I want to know what is the perfect choice, the one where I can unleash my best and where I can learn the most. I fear to take the first step out of this. Looking, observing every side just to get a glimpse, to foresee the future.

To be my own God.

Uncertainty reigns and I wished to control what only God knows.

So that I won't lose out in this world, no repercussions that will threaten my future.

Mine.

Facing that pain, that poem uncannily exposed all. Too say the truth, I didn't know it gave people that feeling. It was a writing in my unconciousness.

Looks like I finally have to face it anyway.

I've read about it recently. Books and articles I found in my restlessness.

And things that happened.

Praise God that this is His healing.

Forcing myself to see in this way: I cannot control everything in this world. No, maybe 40% of my life can be controlled by myself. The other 60%? Only God knows what happens.

Every choice I make, God already knows I would take. I may worry incessantly about what will happen after this choice, but God has a plan that might be different from what I envisioned.

Which may be better then what I ever thought.

Fear of repercussion. Or equally, the fear of the unknown.

Trust God in His leadership, in His guidance to a whole new world. A world of uncertainty where only God is certain.

Why fear?

I don't want to fear anymore. Just do it. Take risk. Something that I fear to have since so long.

I learnt. Repercussions are challenges. Sufferings that lead us to understanding God and the world. The trust in God.

New Dawn

2010-04-06T15:38:00.000+08:00

Things happened. Times changed.
I am here. Watching the sunrise.
Where is the sun anyways?
Why Don't I see it?
Maybe just being far from home too long....

The sea washes ashore.
I look to the horizon.
From a lonely island of dread.
Despair and pain.
Nothing to say " I'm ready".
No one to share " I'm sad".
I wonder.
Is it just my pain and irony?
Behind the bastion of steel?

Fly, Fly i call.
But none of the wings appear.
Jump, jump i cry.
But where to spring out terror.
Swim, Swim i yell.
Nothing to give me strength.

Far and far I see,
No ships far and wide.
Only waves by waves i see,
from the sand-fly 'fested land.

Wait, Wait
What is there at the edge?
A boat? A plane? Wings?

Driftwood.
Go.
Gone.

Compassion

2010-04-02T12:13:00.000+08:00

I love Henri Nouwen's writings. It is...simply refreshing and thoughtful.
A whole difference from the usual "self-help" and nicely organised writings of some Christian writers. Not to say its poor or what, but lets say I'm not used to it. I love the randomness. Something like Philip Yancey too.

Compassion. It is a very pleasing and humanitarian act. To help others out of compassion, to care for those in need.
Wow. Incredible. Excellent.
But have we ever thought of this: is our style of "compassion" really effective?
The advice giving, the monetary help, the condolences. Does it help?

Undoubtedly, it can salve some part of the broken heart.

From Nouwen's perspective though, there is another explanation.

Simply from the definition of...compassion. Language wise, compassion literally meant to " suffer with". What is suffer with? To live like they had? To relive their pain? WOW...that's painful. Rather not. Should look positive right?
Its not wrong to be positive, but for someone in pain, can they somehow magically be positive?
Pain usually takes away that. Even if they can, it is hard for them to in a poof turn super efficient to get out of that pain.
It makes them a robot.
We are humans. Not lifeless robots.

So, it seems that all our advices and monetary help seem to be pretty physical, just a help we give in times of need.
As for compassion, this isn't enough. We cannot truly bring in healing just by advising. It may even be a bad thing, making themselves feel guilty for not being positive.
We need to feel the pain with them. Share the pain.
Quiet companionship.
This has been a notion I thought about before. It seems weak, just ineffective. Sharing the pain, being comfortable in pain, to share. No need for advice, for likely they'll know what to do. Just share..
Suffering is good. Mourning in suffering is good. That is what i found in the Bible. Never understood the notion, since the Bible notes that we have the hope in Christ to live. So? No need to be sad bout suffering!
Yet from what I've read these few weeks, suffering is the key to understand God. The key to see through the truth. And to look to God in our helplessness. To help people in ways we never will fully understand.
To live through people's pain, you gain and I gain. Its a process to understand the world. Sadness is good.
Its for you to see and notice. Experience.

I did many wrong "advising" before. Many turned out crap. I didn't get to "help".
Maybe this was why. Logic cannot win people at times. It takes relationships. That are true enough. To care is to share. A famous line. But to share the pain too?

Time for a change.....

"Dark Knight"

2010-03-26T21:53:00.000+08:00

Excerpts from my writings..

Dark Knight, sounds cool?

Its not.

Its so long since I watched a movie that brings meaning. Deep meanings. The other was "The Departures". This challenges morality.

Heroes are supposed to be unbeatable, infallible, undefeated always. In the cases of so many movies to real life figures, heroes always displays hope for the future.

But it isn't real. Like the heroes of ancient Rome and Greek, they are portrayed in the bask of glow and aura. As of many novels, heroes have a trait that seem so unreal.

Here, we have one who is not.

Lets talk about Joker first. This guy, appeared out of nowhere, to help the crime world finish off Batman once and for all. However, this is no contract killer. He is a psychologist type of killer. He kills, not for fun nor for money. But for an experiment. The permanent laughter on his face reminds him of the broken past, abuses by his drunkard father. Of the immorality of man, the fallen man.

So?

His quest is not just to wreck Batman, but to push humans to the limits, to prove to mankind, they are just the same, good or bad.

He blurs the boundary of good and bad.

To prove that, so many tactics were used. He corrupted Harley, after losing his girlfriend Rachel in a plot by Joker by noting only one could be saved in a bomb trap. Batman, managed to save him, but the police were too late in rescuing Rachel. In the twist of words, Joker blamed it as a plot by the police that to save him, not Rachel. Thus he went amok, going for revenge. Or "justice" in his sense. Finally after kidnapping and threatening to kill the chief officer, Gordon's family, he died in a battle with Batman.

So what happened? Harley was the DA of the city. One of the best crime busters. Why from a man who is for justice can turn into a murderer?

Justice, in his hands. In theory, that is justice. Only that we cannot accept that sort of justice. It is, sufficient to say, "bad".

Joker used that as an experiment and a proof. That humans can fall from that good justice to evil revenge. Just like the two sides of Harley's face, one perfect, on burnt, humans are two sided. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of that sense. Joker knew, breaking a persons spirit will cause a person to wilt and turn evil.

Thus nothing separates the evil and good. Policemen, when their family's life threatened, may even kill those they should protect. Selfishness and greed rules. Nothing to be good or bad about.

But he neglected one side of the story. Those with the unbreakable spirit, who seem to know what is good or bad. Batman, himself grieving over Rachel, whom he loved for years, did not turn to revenge and blame. He went on, hunting down Joker everywhere. Continued at the cost of losing his standing and a life of being chased after.

Why didn't he resigned to fate? After the death of many people as the result of the hunt for him, why didn't he expose himself?

Because of that spirit.

Of doing what is right. Morally right.

Even if Joker exposed the truth about humans, vividly and truthfully, what is of the "infallible" Batman? Joker himself said that....

What makes Batman so infallible, for in truth Batman looks no different from other people, in terms of emotions and strength. He may have strong weapons, but it didn't help much. What is the secret behind this?

The spirit of righteousness.

Harley had that, but it wasn't strong. He fell when his loved one died, gone, murdered. Batman's did not. Yes, he did lose a lot, death of Rachel, closing his experiment lab and on the run. But his spirit was unbroken. It is that which he managed to close ears to Joker's taunts and talks. The bleak reality Joker presented. Batman still believes in that one piece of heaven within each person. The conscience.

That is why good and bad can happen. The separation by a fine line, yet still separated.

A though to think of.

And that my hope that each of us hold on to this strength, the ability to do what is right.

Like what Batman's butler said, "People expect Batman to do what is right." And so are we all expected to do so.

To our conscience.

A new world

2010-03-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

Looking around, at everyone, seemingly I lost out.

Well, its normal i guess, as always, after great victories, things start to get tough. Defeat can happen at any second.

Unless I treat it as just another walk in life....

After NS, I, sitting here, blogging. Watching people going through the best of their lives. Of course, I believe I can do it, in a few months time. What should I do?

Maybe its envy. Maybe its that competitiveness in me that is pulling the strings. Pushing all that away, I feel restless. I want to do something.

Yeah, I could always find a part time job. Given my time, I can do just that.

I don't mind

For now, what nags me is this: where next?

I want to go somewhere that is good. Good for studies, active in extracurriculars. Once again, if I'm not active, my chances of grabbing a good place in universities seem very distant.

But what if I went to one inactive, or one I do not have the arena to excel?

Automatically, I have to lay low.

I wanted peace, a rest time. Suddenly, after the experience in NS tell me, my greatest strength is that of unlimited energy to strive for the best.

My weaknesses pushed out this very strength. The times of wandering minds have forced me to take measures to ensure that I'm in tempo, the super fast tempo. God gave me that strength.

Now its that where can give me the chance to fully utilise my strength?

I don't know.

Debate, seriously, I don't know whether I should go on or not. Yes or no, I cannot see. I yearn for it, but am I good?

To let go or not can be an issue. I know, the best part of me usually is the management part. But this? I don't know. Teaching i have no problem, but debating?

As of Form 3, I'm torn at this crossroad. Where once I could decide whether to take Science or Arts, now I've to decide where to is the best.

Questions to be answered..

Uhmm....

2010-03-24T10:27:00.000+08:00

I've been planning for a tribute... But due to some idiotic virus that wrecked my blog, I'll have to start again..

Before that,
Its been long since I blogged anything substantial. Standing here, I am pretty lost. For the first time in my life, a holiday that leads to something that i'm not even sure of.
TO go or not to go? To choose or not to choose?
It is a tough choice. I can choose a college, a university, yet I do not know it's strengths.
So where to after this? Probably a dilemma that won't easily be solved..

Ouch....New Blog...

2010-03-24T10:15:00.001+08:00

Unfortunate turn of events....my blog was hit by virus....
Never mind....It's still the same name here...dun try the other though....

Tribute: Prelude andTeachers

2010-03-17T16:46:00.000+08:00

Imagine that. I wanted to write out in a piece of paper on what to write for this tribute
But i gave up on it.
Ah, perfectionist. Ain't a good thing.

Anyway, I decided to just write as it is. To write whatever that's on my mine. Straight from my heart.
Due to NZ trip and NS, all my feelings that I had for the class, seem to fade. Temporarily. Yet deep down in my heart, I know, this isn't the end. I, still have words to say, people to thank.
First on the list. The teachers. Every year we get so different teachers, different ways, different ideas. All in all, a big THANK YOU! Without you, I wouldn't have changed that much. All the teachers of every year, each play a vital part in my life. I can't say who changed the most of me, but obviously, I'm changed.
Especially all my teachers last year. What is said is always true. At times of farewell, do we cherish more of what we are going to lose.
兆骢师, 仪君师, 琪玲师........all are teachers that changed me so much. Teachers that, everyday in class, although i never noticed, unconscious changes happen every time. Without me even being aware of. They are those who changed me, put me on to a higher level, academic wise and even maturity.
Where here I must talk about one teacher that, without fail, was one that I admire and knew for such a long time. 仪君师. Ever since entering CH, entering CO, she was there. She has always been active, been around there. Admittedly, much of why I have the power to move on, even my values, my principles. I admire her energy to move on, yet being sensitive to all, being passionate of all. All this is my praise, and my salute to all her contribution to this world.
Of course, of all other teachers, they are fun, wise, intelligent and all. Sometimes we may grumble and complain, but hey, if we aren't even paying attention, no complaints eh? So we still love them nontheless...

Here comes where most people wanna find. The tribute to friends.....next ...

New prelude in the new year...

2010-03-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

The 1st post in 2010.
This is the prelude, the forewords of the tribute im dedicating to all. The big project im currently working on. My life, my new ideas.
And the grateful heart to all who were behind me thus long.
We'll see..

In NZ, then NS

2009-12-31T14:37:00.000+08:00

You guys wont be seeing me till....long time...

haha

Have fun!

From NZ

A prelude

2009-12-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

Today is just magnificent. Beyond doubt, one of the most memorable days in my life.
It may seem weird, but bear in mind...
THis is the first time i went Karaok-ing with friends.

Its is a momentous happening.

I must thank for giving me the chance.
Many were surprised to see me.
Im not surprised to see that too.

A tribute will come. In the coming weeks
im working on it.

This is the end of a beginnning. NOt the end of ends
So
奋勇前进

华乐团

2009-12-11T10:13:00.000+08:00

我不懂要写什么标题, 只懂两样.
我要练华文.
我有话对大家说.
请大家看看吧. 我的手已经够痛了.

我自SPM开始有都一直有跟进乐团的事务. 来了两天, 我也看到了很多东西.
来到了中学的夕阳时分, 我急了. 我发现自己到底还是有一定的影响力. 不仅仅如此, 我看见自己的工作还未完成.
那就是传承薪火的工作.
近来发现, 大家似乎失去了一把热诚. 没有一种为乐团奋斗的心. 某些人有, 某些则爱理不理. 为何会这样? 那就是我的责任没有干好. 年中坐上我曾有想过的位置, 却被卷入不想理的念头. 这是我得来的因果报应. 如今我努力传下, 就希望能将乐团重新团结, 再攀上高峰.
然而我发现乐团严重缺少的人物. 一个甘愿背后工作, 不强求回报的人. 不仅仅是这样, 而且是能洞察四周, 为基层向领导传达讯息的人. 我不自认自己做得好, 但至少我还是愿意这样. 我想找的是想太多, 能充当辅导员的角色之人.
现今的领导其实都行, 但他们有任务在身, 很难分身. 乐团内好多好多的纠纷都日日上演, 那就要有人多事点, 聆听周边的人物事故, 才能做到.
为何要这样麻烦?关键在于大家不够开放, 对外只到处组内没问题. 不! 言论自由! 家丑不能外扬, 对, 这在一定的程度上是有它的理由. 但请想想, 谁是你的"家人"呢?
要以家来说, 整个乐团, 不分你是什么组, 是一个家! 全家人就是全团人! 请告诉领导, 到底兄弟姐妹间有什么纠纷, 让我们能一起解决. 一旦大家只是将问题环绕在自己组里, 那领导又如何确保乐团不塌下来呢?
我自认, 这些的事务我没充分的灌输入大家的脑海里. 这是我的错.
我能观察到这些, 也是因为自己的状况导致我能有时间观察.
希望就算是团员都好, 每个人都能观察. 每个人都有责任为乐团负责, 并观察家庭里的问题. 提出来, 别闷在心里...........

手好痛.
好吧, 大概都是万人宴后才有人看到.
.....

Argh...

2009-12-02T15:09:00.000+08:00

This came unprepared. For one, I'm not a very emo person, but thinking bout this, there are lessons learnt and lessons to be learnt.

Reading the newspaper, I found a good news actually. Mun Yee won the Dynabook's Computer General Knowledge Competition. Champs. Congrats then...
But it brings me back to the past, to when I was there as the runner-up. One mark difference.
Then it was all a breeze for me. Winning competitions were my specialty. All types were won, even one in singing. My forte was in general knowledge. It was a powerful time, getting me, influencing me into a person who chases after wins, power and fame. Winning competitions made me competitive.

Yet after plunging into CH, things start to change. Drastically. Until now, i never really won anything. People are always above me. Yeah.
I know that it may seem stupid and foolish, but I am just still in that competitive mind. Being normal is a very big challenge. To stop hurling myself everywhere to attain something just crashes me badly.
Obviously some part of me want to break the voodoo of 小时了了,大未必佳. I want to excel, not just sitting somewhere.
But the other part of me just wants to stay put and give up. Just to look ahead as a normal person.
A dilemma.
If I were a very pessimistic, i would have trudge into deeper depression.
But I would not.
So it is a choice.

PLKN

2009-12-01T11:03:00.000+08:00

O
YEa
IM going to
Kem Puncak Permai
Bau
Sarawak
O
Hmm

25 km to Kuching
Somewhere near the mining town of Bau
JUngle looking
One main road outside
To Indonesia
O

Hmm..
Who knows what happens.
Mixed of happiness? Sad? Despair?
Rather not think of it
Just live life.
Hey, who knows i may get some gold flakes back from mendulang the lake?
Hahahahahahah

Ahem

2009-11-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

To all who are battling one of the greatest wars in your life...
Gambateh...jia you...all the best...

Cause, it'll be the moment of truth
No matter if you are swimming in sejarah notes or drifting in unknown solutions or dreaming in BM every single hour....
We can prevail!

Now for something...

2009-10-26T12:52:00.000+08:00

I wonder these days, stepping into the years in Chong Hwa, what made the differences?

Looking around, I have taken in many different friends, people that I never would have associated with. Looking back, friends from the past have changed into different people, people that I am different with.

What made the difference?
Environment. I reckon that in 10 years, even if I meet them again, it'll never be the same. No matter how close (though some never change)...
How weird to think that.....in the end, who has changed? All? or certain? Or just me....

It's a good question to delve into. Many do not know where the future lies in....

Random thoughts

Second addition: Acceptance of truth

2009-10-24T12:15:00.000+08:00

How would I know?
Without fail, I've been trapped in the vortex of seduction. Seduction of games, entertainment or sorts..

But one question kept me wondering, if the truth keep me free, why am I still in trouble? MOre likely, why is there so many people still buried under vice and sin?

It became obvious to me. The formula of truth alone sets us free is handicapped. There's another important addition to it. Acceptance.
If a person just so likely know all about the sins and evil actions in this earth, if there is not a vow to not step right into the mud, all is in vain. He is not freed. He decided not to be free.
I believe that many in this world know the sins, but decided to stay in the muck, not to come out. The seduction is to great to bear. This free will is why we have wars all around. They know the pain of loss, they know that wars destroy everything. But they chose not to care...

Decide, to follow or not. Then we are free.

Truth and truth

2009-10-08T18:22:00.000+08:00

Admittedly, I actually squandered at least one day plus a sleepless night on....
Brisingr.

Yet somehow I got a message from God, somehow these days my mind is on that one topic:
Truth

Why so?
After much thought, i came out with this conclusion: the truth sets us free, free from the bondage of ignorance, from the evils and calamity that inflicts us. If not physically, but mentally
It strengthens us to strive hard for the future.
From two novel series, namely Eragon and Harry Potter, it seemed obvious that the turning point for the main characters to evolve from the hunted to the hunter came at the turning point, that is when the truth is spilt. It did not change the wind of the battle immediately, but the profound effects were obvious.
The effects on the mind.
ONce we, who are just like pilgrims wandering in this vast expense of wasteland,embattled by the multitudes of trenches and evils recieve the truth, we will see through things. The truth releases us from the years and years of aimless searching, and giving us hope and determination to face the problem that inflicts us. We will possess that inhuman strength to overcome as we know our standing and how we can overcome.
The truth, in essence, ensures us that all is not lost. Either we will accept the situation and fight, or that there is hope to fight for.
Sounds abstract? It had to be, or else many would have understood the philosophy and no one would till now suffer from anxiety...

To give an easier example, take one person who is pained by his or her mental anguish. Lets say they feel stressed by all the competition among them to grab the top spot in a particular subject. They feel pained and feel like giving up as there seem to be no way to break through, no matter how hard they try. Yet if they known the truth, that there is no need to prove themselves worthy by struggeling so hard for recognition which may never materialise, they would have more strength to discover their own talents and shine above otheres

It is quite obvious. A person who yearns to be morally right would, no matter what, would feel guilty when a sin, no matter how small is commited. They will keep trying, some even die trying, to be morally perfect, but all is futile. Some will give up, submitting themselves to the passions of the flesh, and their lives will turn sour and crumble from it.
All that happens as they do not know the truth.

Yet the truth that God upholds, the truth that is unsinkable is that we have a merciful God. He knows that we can never attain that perfect and holy being, no matter how hard we strive. Thus the truth is that God will willingly forgive our sins. We can never be perfect, thus he sent Jesus to die for us and thus, cleansed us from sin. That truth will liberate many, only if they believe. They will finally have that peace and be strengthened to fight and live on.

All this are just thoughts. But LET the truth be known. Accept it when it is there.

Thoughts

2009-09-30T21:49:00.000+08:00

Eh, i don't know what to write...

BUt apparently i CAN write something, just that i'm not in the mood for that.

It's a sickening thought

Stars

2009-08-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

Stars. Every night, they appear in the skies, brightening the heavens with its colours. They shine and glitter, as if someone above is playing with the LED lights of the skies. Yet what other things they bring to us?

I sat on a bench in the park. It was dark, gloomy and cold all around me. As a person who is studying abroad, it was hard. No one knew me, no one understood me. I was lonely, cold and miserable.

Despair crept into my soul. I felt so helpless, so frustrated and in the brink of breaking down. I want to get out of this wretched state, yet i couldn't break of from this reverie. I sat down and thought long and hard, sadly no peace could be found.

Out of that despair, i looked up. it was a winter's night, the skies were void of clouds. However In that instant, I was struck by the sheer brightness and beauty of the sky. The multitudes of stars shone brightly, covering the sky with the intensity that can turn the night to day. The multicoloured mosaic decorated the night sky, turning it into a colourful quilt studded with multicoloured gems. They blinked in and out, revealing all sorts of colours and seemingly tell of a story in technicolour, better than any TV programs anywhere.

I stood there awestruck. Such is the grandeur of the heavens, the magnificence of nature. Curiously, I felt peace, a peace deep down in me.

Nature always bring to us many of its meanings. They urge us to look around, see around and drink in the beauty of its cloak. From the simplest flowers to the magnificent stars above, they remind us to look at them. Despair always creeps around us, yet nature defied all odds to stay in its beauty. Astronomers tell us of that the multitudes of stars above, they are born from supercharged clouds of dust. It takes billions of billions of years to shine brightly in the skies, and yet there are many up there. They have defied all evil, all problems and trials to achieve what they are now.

So look around, look up to the stars. Be reminded that no matter how tough the going, hope is on its way. Never give in to all trials and temptation that may threaten to engulf you in its fold.

Stand strong, and all will be well.

I left there determined, that the days to come will be the time to persevere and grow.

Tell me if it looks weird...

Thunderstorms

2009-07-23T22:48:00.000+08:00

Thunderstorms.
They do appear as a natural phenomenon, but in real life, they do appear.
Sometimes it is just unpredictable, freak thunderstorms crash into our lives. UNdeniably, there are also the induced thunderstorm, where this great force cracks everything you believe in, just because of some turmoil brewing for long....

Sad to say, people sometimes don't realise the potentials of these thunderstorms, just letting them go by, as if they don't happen. Some choose to escape it as it threates us to ceratin doom.
Of course, you may wonder, why is it sad? Shouldn't we run away? Why face it?

Thunderstorms, as bad as they are, is essential for growth. People learn from adversity. People awaken from the troubles and temptations they face. People only wake up when they are slap right into the face, realising that all the while they have been just ignoring the cancerous cells of disunity, disillusionment all around. Only then we learn, we mature.
I believe that at times, things happen for a purpose, that whatever we face, whatever problems arise are not by chance, but purposely set. Many a times, problems just pop up after great blessings. Great entrapments are set, great evil arise, disunity and chaos rule. But after these seemingly uncurable problems pass by, only then we discovered that we learnt.

I learnt my lesson. These passing weeks was hellish and somewhat doomed. But i looked through the right lenses. I pass through a period of depression, of uncertainty and of unknown future. Only then i discovered that i learnt lessons for life. Of course, books that i didn't expected to appear help me through this mess.

Thunderstorm. What is yours? Would you go through, or will you escape?
Will you want to mature, or just keep the status quo?

Terpulanglah kepada anda...

To friends with distress...any sort..

2009-07-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

Let's say i crack under many pressures. Well, thats not the case now. Basically God healed, but i know some people have not...

Life, isn't only about mundane things creeping around, or that flutter in our heart.

Life, can be easy, once we view it in the right perspective.

Perspective differs, but the case is always the same,

Live life, love life.

Many a times hurts happen. Many a times the waves seems crashing onto us,

but somewhere in the process of gurgling and drowning, we have to remember,

only by hurts and distress, we learn

only by unfulfilled fantasy, we mature

only by regrets and sadness, we cherish....

Although this is short, but remember.....

Problems can be solved, no need to escape

Escaping life is escaping who you are now. It's lying to yourself...

why not view it in the right lenses?

CHCO Northern Trip...

2009-06-10T14:10:00.000+08:00

Gosh, long since i wrote anything...

Well, I wouldn't want to write about the whole journey. Its just too much. Let's just write about the feelings and the stuff that awakened me...

I started off blurry. Its just like...a dream.. NOthing I could do, just wander around and stuff.
Than came the cultural shock.
I never dreamed about meeting people. I never dreamed that learning to converse with people is actually quite easy. I never dreamed that, people aren't that different anywhere.
I made new friends, but also created a friendship with old friends.
YEah, about the fights. Actually it got me really depressed. Maybe God wanted me to feel that. Ohkay, so i presevered. It doesn't feel nice being boycotted, and my mouth shut off like that. Well, it was just so bloody hard to do that. I tried to reconcile though, by actually shutting my mouth once and for all. Oh well, in the end, i still made someone cried. Shucks. I have no idea what happened. Probably cause i come from a slightly different world with different wavelengths. Probably what i hold on to is just way different from what people believe. Of course, I do not deny that i'm wrong at some parts, and that, i have to say sorry. I easily get jittered when times and pressing. Happened in debate before, though this time was WAY better than the ordeal last year.
So i learnt to persevere, and also to treat people. Lets just say i turned into something i was against all the time. A dictator. Looks like, I haven't truly learnt what does a servant leader do. Servant leader.

Well, other than the great battles of the mouth for a full 5 days, of course, i really enjoyed meeting new people. And a new found mentality of counselling. Counselling is a two way stuff, and i nearly blown it. But seems like i'm quite on the line now. Of course, I just don't have too much time counselling, or i need counselling myself...

Following on is the performances. Well, conducting. Scary but somehow enjoyable. Gives me the confidence to live through life. BUt as for the performance itself, i don't know. Somehow i'm too used to be on stage, no fun anymore....
except for conducting la...

everything boils down to one again. I never tasted this sort of stuff before. The other thing that made me pumped up was IIUM debate last year. This time, its this camp.

BUt again...... the hatred stuff can just keep. JUst remember... whoever i may have actually been arguing with, i don't hate them. Hatred is not in my dictionary, neither is in God's when we are talking about relationships. I don't HATE anyone. So be rest assured. I won't go for revenge....... Although arguing IS tiring......

ZG..for the base of his heart..

Relationship..

2009-03-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

Long time since I ever write anything here...

I have this pretty depressing thought of the day. What i'm thinking, is about relationships.

Relationships, is just a tough nut to crack. We see many people fall, break down, cry because of it. We see many people together, and living happily because of this. We see lonely people, and contented people because of this.

So on exactly what i am confused with? The notion of HOW to fix a relationship between two people and how to treat others.

" Treat others with different ways when meeting different people"

A thought given by someone to me. Am i to agree with that? Let me think logically. When I meet a very jovial person, i could talk to them in jokes. When i meet a serious person, i can talk serious to them. When i meet a person i dont know enough, what happens? What if the person is a different one then it is seen?

Sugarcoating my own ways, my attitude, my way of talking to prevent fights.

ONe way of thinking, its hypocritical. I treat people differently by different people, but my real attitude, my real self may go missing just to please people. Isit so?

However, if i think from the other side, we don't want to kill off relationships with people around us.

My opinion:

"Speak with love, act with love"(Mark: love doesnt mean just letting them go, but correct them when needed, encourage when needed)

I don't know, but i feel that i would rather NOT treat people differently. NO way, if a person is a positive fella, in any conditions, in any type of people we meet, they won't offend, won't create displeasure. I believe that the way i speak now, is trying to intergerate myself into their society, their language, but my current issue would be on trying to UNDERSTAND what sort of people they are.

UNderstanding takes a long way. Love too takes a long way. Everyone expresses love differently, but love will still be there.

So won't this be better then acting unlike yourself? Speak in moderation. Speak in politeness. Be frank when needed, be encouraging when needed.

Won't you guys agree?

Then there would be more critical things coming up soon.....

Whew...

2009-02-18T22:43:00.000+08:00

Hectic one week...and basically spent on things....

Truly, I have things to say. One person, cannot be busy forever. He or she will break down, therefore needing time to rest....

I have known this principle long since, but i jus got the impact. When i lose my free time, i begin NOT to be compssionate with people. My way of helping people diminished by busyness.
Is this good? No, i don't believe so.
We live in a community, care and share is important, and therefore we are seeing some much of social problems arising from this society, as everyone is so busy.
I rather want everyonw to know: When we use anyone, don't forget to care. Don't JUST tell them to CARE. Tell them, advise them HOW to care. A best place to start: YOUR OWN CLASS. Don't feel detached from your class. Be compassionate. Don't live in the school societies alone, but rather live in your class too. Care and share. Dont forget we live in a world dependent on people. Depend on GOd, and remember your friends....

Reflections...

2009-01-24T12:52:00.000+08:00

Finally, I AM FREE to write something. In this mad January, i jus found out something. God really gives things in time...

Basically, is from Wynne's blog. Approval addiction. True, I know of the existance of this thing, yet as usual, I nearly always fall into trps like this. January, I just move around the CHCO with something that is not passion. Somehow i do things jus to please people. Bad news. I just nearly always fall down and wondering what happened. i just simply try always to take control of things, to ensure MY profile is good. I just want people to see and say "Hey, Im good you know...". True to me again, I made up excuses that it is for my future. I must admit, i envied people. I envied those who have higher positions. I thought of the big question of why i can't be higher then those who are junior then me. I thought and thought. Although i always convince myself im inferior to everyone, that im a useless fella that needs to beg through to get things, i quite seem to forget God is in control. I AM pretty much mad and confused.

I can't deny the importance of getting these high positions. I can't deny that I would have a tough fight to get scholarships because of my lower positions. Somehow it seemingly gave me the passport to envy.

Well, until this very moment, when I finally have the time to think. True, I have sinned. I forgot that God is in control. I forgot that I too play a part in the society, in and out, that im no longer inferior but on the same level. I have been reading about the hierachy on organizations, that it shouldn't exist anymore. I have to remember that by this, there is nothing call "dictator", there is only respect, no FEAR( as i have wrote before on it...)

I need to change. I have known the race of life. NOw i need to clear on the things about life...
Now is jus the approval problem. I find that many things truly connects to that, that i really fear to losing of approval. I fear performing, I fear speaking at times because i fear i would lose the approval of teachers and such. This illogical fear made me unconfident on things, making me WEAK. I have to take this out. I need to go out without fear for God. I need HIM to get me through. God is there, always.

How am I to go on from now? Where do I go from here? ONly God knows....

Jan 16....17th year...what hopes?

2009-01-16T22:03:00.000+08:00

I stand today at 17. So what am I now? What am I then? What will I be in the future? All sorts of questions come in, I'm standing somewhere at the crossroads. Where is my aspirations? All this tumble out in just one year of difference.

When i was 16, I never thought of all this. But in just one year, I began to explore the outside world, i began to see the outside realities. I begin to think more about things and events. I begin to try and find my own wishes and hopes. I begin to look into the future. But out of all this, trusting in God's guidance is important. Where do I seek? Only God knows. Only God can tell me my next move. The world is a terrorizing place, but i live in this world, and I will strive to live it for God.

Now, at 17, for the first time i conciously acknowledge that I have changed, for the better. God is working in me. I feel for the very first time more stable, much more in a better position to go on in life. Confidence is there, from God.

So in 17, what is the aspirations? SPM is a must. Debate, well, I truly would want it(its sort of fun and satisfying). And as for the CHCO, it's a tough year ahead. To increase for the society, truly is a challenge....

And I must that Xue Min for the present. Also to CHCO for that beautiful cake( i havent ate it...) And also to all who wished me today, verbally or through the internet...

For this year, I will strive....

Thoughts.....

2008-12-29T23:06:00.000+08:00

Double post today...(look below)

Well, for the second post, I must say, a going to midvalley somehow let me be able to theorize something: that the society no matter how advance it goes, there is always a seperation of classes by the wealth status. Undeniably, the school too we can see the near equal results.

Lets look at the geographical area of midvalley. Its in the Bangsar area, and PJ is just round the corner. This 2 places are where the upper class people live. Therefore, when I was there in THE GARDENS, where many of the shops are branded, I see people dressed finely and elegantly, rich obviously. Then I though of comparing to my area. My area, everyone dresses a bit more modestly, much more shabbier compared to the rich(no insults, i wear like that too..) So, the seperation of the society is much like that....

I must point out, im NOT insulting, just some thoughts and analysis..there are too exceptions...any unhapiness, just tell me..

Now to my main point: CHong HWa. I did thought of this long ago. IN Chong Hwa, you can really see WHO is of which area. Obvious. The most obvious, is the richer people. THey are fluent in English ( at least most), and more importantly, the way they walk and talk are like super cultured people, and some even lavish very expensive things like expensive watches, bags that are branded. The people they mix are usually of the same level, of the same area. They can be seen usually like a rich family, not always snobbish, but even from the looks, they seemingly have lots of money in caring for their hair, skin etc. And the areas they live? Bangsar, PJ and etc..

Next, we have the students from the Kepong area. They are easy to spot, since they are everywhere. I must say, I can't really describe how I can see that, but they are usually more 'Chinese" then the richer fellas. They are more into the Chinese songs, then of english. ONe big difference, they don't really use english. Although learning it IS VERY GOOD, but the situation now is so. They are a bit more modest looking, not very of the elaborate and the attitude sometimes isn't that cold compared to the richer fellas( I MUST say THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS). Therefore, I can spot them out of the blue sometimes...As they too have the best connection around, since Kepong is a chinese area, and everyone lives near. THey can go out together and, well, understand chinese things

Then there is the fellas from Subang. NOt really a very clear image i could get, but genarally bit more like the fellas from kepong, just a bit too like the rich fellas.....

Then, for my area. Wangsa MAju and Setapak. Not many seem to know, and not many are from here. What they are like? Well, i generally will say they are more well verse with the Malays( know them more i guess since...its a Malay area, maybe excluding some areas like Desa Setapak). Well, they are a bit rough looking(i think....maybe there are others..) and are bit more active in societies.....but its hard to spot though....And well, they are usually from the 3 primary schools( or 4), so most know at least each other .....

My analysis only takes me there.... Again, exception abounds. Since the population of CHong HWa is so BIG, exceptions will fly everywhere, and therefore i can only see a vague idea....

The questions of organizations and regulations....

2008-12-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

"Perfect love casts our ALL fear". Well, taken from the Bible, fear is created by the fear of punishment. So how should I categorize "fear of losing number one"(for those very kiasu people). What punishment would they get? Well, they will punish themselves for losing I guess, or "fear" of being laughed at by people ( or presume would happen). So, what is perfect love? Using logicality, its the "perfect"( as in never ending, never fading) love, which only God has. We can only imitate the best that we could.

So coming back, if we are a leader, how should we make our followers to follow our lead? This is an interesting question. My idea initially was that, fear can easily make people follow (well, there is always punishments), so people will be "forced" to follow, however unwillingly. But for those who are unwilling, they will only 'do' their worth, not wanting to improve, since they did it to keep themselves from being punished. To make people do more then they can, to improve and break out the barriers, they need to be willing. And the only way to make them willing, is to make sure they feel not threatened by "fear"(or punishment). Therefore, we have to use "love" and to kindle them to be passionate and "love" the thing they are doing.

The benefits? YOu will see them want to do all things to their best, trying to do out for the organization, for the good of all. And you wouldn't need to fear about any retribution, rebellion, lawbreaking and any bad attitudes (since once a person has passion, he wouldn't need to fear that the law clamps down his freedom to do his best, provided the law is not suffocating)

Then this is the hard part: HOW to kindle this passion. I could only think of one way: care for them, talk to them. Rather then ordering them, tell them( well, at least order without a threatening tone.) YOu see, I find many people are actually willing to help, provided not feeling threatened or pushed very hardly. When people are pushed, you wouldn't want to do anything for anyone. All you want is to finish the job, no matter how crude and get out, since its killing you mentally. Therefore, in a conductive environment, where people are treated as people, not animals, people will be willing to coorperate and help out. Yes, you may say, what is they don't listen to you? And that is why harder and harsher laws are carried out, sometimes at the expense of the good and passionate people's mental health. When you put too harsh a law, the bad will be forced to listen, but the good? NO one WANTS to be threatened, therefore those who are passionate will rather get out, or fall into dissociative mind, that is not to care anymore( well, passion missing) . Then you will realise that no one will be willing to work, and even the good will start grumbling......

Yes, there is flaws in this plan, which is where the society isn't perfect. There is always people who will JUST NOT cooperate. What can you say? Well, I'm still working on this. The law CAN be not suffocating, therefore, there is always a way....

全国华乐合奏大赛........

2008-12-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

Well....last post was so long ago.... Mising in Action for so long orh...

Well, the competition truly is a remarkable and deep experience. I never been through any competition with that many people before, and least of it this competition, a competition once thought to be unreachable and truly an impossible thing for all of us to enter, yet we entered...with dreams...and was defeated in the prelims..

I'm used to defeats. The KDU last placed teams truly have already taught me : there is always a loser, if there is a winner. Whats the point if everyone "wins"? There wouldn't be a winner if the case is so. THis defeat to, I believe, we held it gracefully. We are not ashamed that we lost.

What experiences do i gather out of this? HOw have i grown? What have everyone learned out of this? This and so many questions worth answering...

For me. I learned the way to live in a society, the importance of unity, and the ever first time i was touched, touched by the force of unity and friendship forged. After so many days practically living in the school, I have met, and know people i never really knew. I met people so good that are worth knowing. I seen people working together tirelessly for one goal. This is the one thing i never seen in the orchestra: unity. That unity is one that i've been searching for. That unity is one that we can look for. HOw do we do it? A truly psychological question that i really wanna answer. That unity really touched me, that even in defeat, i learned so much. God has really given me a lesson in unity, that he can too works miracles in people..

For the society, i believe this competition has already fired up the passion, the passion for hua yue in those who have entered. We had never been so fired up, so happy for hua yue. This is good. My idea of a society is one that is fuelled by passion, that everyone will be willing to at least sacrifice some for the society, and that once this passion is in, many of the problems we once faced seemingly answered itself.God has given me a live experiment on passion. I have been thinking of passion, and that now it is answered. Once there is something people want, that people really are willing to go for it, people will be fired up. How to lead, that is to lead by passion? I can see it now. THat the key is... love, compassion and passion. I never really had the chance to experiment, but now i know, all we need is an aim, and the never ending passion...

And to my friends, and the friends i met in the competition, truly, you guys have given me such an experience and pleasure in meeting people who are so good and passionate of what you are doing in huayue. I have experience the full force of friendship, even those who i have now, an even stronger bond ever.

What is competition for? Is it for glory, or for experiencing unity? Which is more important? I can say, you can never bring that glory forever in your life. Maybe when you are old, no one may remember that particular team that won 40 years ago. Yet the experience we can take, till we are old. The friendship forged can even last a lifetime, even your future mate may just be round the corner. NOthing is forever except God. Experience too will fade, but at least it lasts more then glorious things. Glory is just a liar, someone who just really creates pride in us...

A lesson in so many things, a chance of a lifetime. I can see that this competition has already awaken us, to fight and plan for the future. Though we do not know what tommorow holds, but we can do plans for tmrw, and that life will go on...

We have ended the road of 2008, yet we have many years to come. The future is never to be known, and things will change, for better or for worse. Don't lose heart, and don't lose contact.

I appreciate my friends, and I see a new route appearing.

This has been a great and unforgettable experience. This is a turning point in my life, a point which i start to mature, start to awaken to the facts and the rules of living. God has brought me through , and i'm transformed....

Unknowingly so....

2008-11-18T14:54:00.000+08:00

Weirdly, i don't know what happened, i don't wanna know....
I've been playing for days, but in my mind, i think there's turmoil. Well, I guess it's typical of me going so, since my mind is pretty weak. I can easily go nuts, so to say. I think alot, to the extent of thinking too much...
I think of the world, and its seduces to us. I think of the so called "love", that threatens to swamp us. I think of people, multitudes that aren't the hardcore poor, not the super famous, but those who are Ok doing, or maybe just a lil bit richer. Where do I stand in all this?

Why do I want to be compassionate about. Why do I want to care for the multitudes, esp. my friends? Why do I feel more about those around me, those who seemingly don't need material help?

Uh, if I were to be that, I would need support, mentally... I can take in people's problem, I can help people mentally, or just encouragement, but how far can I go?
Sometimes, I feel I don't have people who talk to.....yet I listen others, isn't it an irony?
Does this mean i rather others to have listeners, but me, no? Or is it my own problem for not having any?

Life is so unpredictable... I thought i got away from this, but lo, I did not..............

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